Man voting to stay in EU because he thinks he’s sophisticated

A MAN is convinced that Britain should stay in Europe because he imagines it gives him continental flair. 

Quantity surveyor Wayne Hayes, who believes himself a cut above the Little Englander types, argues that Brexit would make him look parochial and unworldly.

He continued: “When you look at me, you see a man who could be drinking Bellinis in Harry’s Bar in Venice for breakfast before flitting to Barcelona for tapas on Las Ramblas.

“How’s that going to work if we leave the EU? I don’t want to be thought of as a man who’s always queuing for visas.

“I support Inter Milan, I watch the films of Francois Truffaut, and I read Herman Hesse in the original German, or certainly I’d like people to believe I do.

He added: “I believe there are other reasons, tariffs and such, but they are really beneath the attention of a dashing, George Clooney-esque Europhile like moi. 

“No, staying in Europe is the suave, sophisticated thing to do and that’s the sort of person I am.”

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2016 to end early

2016 is to be brought to an early end before anybody else dies. 

The decision, which means that New Year’s Eve is on April 30th, has been taken at the highest level following the deaths of Victoria Wood and Prince on consecutive days.

Joseph Turner, head of the Royal Observatory at Greenwich, said: “It’s irregular, but 2016 appears to be a rare phenomenon, occurring only once or twice a millennium, which we in the timekeeping business call ‘a total bastard.’

“We managed to get a look at what else it had in store and well, let’s just say my only worry is that January 1st 2017 – a week on Sunday – is still too far away.

“If your birthday falls in the cancelled eight months of 2016, you will soon be a year older. Trust me, it’s a small price to pay.”

Roy Hobbs of Sheffield said: “I’ve dropped two grand on a holiday in June, it’s my 25th wedding anniversary in October, I’ll be missing both, and I couldn’t care less.

“I’m sick of turning the telly on to see yet another hero die taking great chunks of my youth and happiness with them.

“You’re not having David Attenborough, you’re not having Billy Connolly, you’re not having Stevie Nicks.

“Don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out, 2016.”