Liverpool fans swell to eight times their normal size

LIVERPOOL fans have grown up to eight times their normal size after a derby win against Everton. 

The fans began puffing out a week ago after the team’s Europa League win against Borussia Dortmund, and are approaching maximum inflation after last night’s four-goal victory. 

Football blogger Stephen Malley said: “A toxic combination of insularity and idolatry has given Liverpool fans the unfortunate tendency to swell with pride given even the slightest stimulus. 

“Three wins against low-ranked opponents in a week means that even in London just two Liverpool fans can fill a tube carriage, swivelling their faces left and right to make eye contact, huge arms pointing to the Standard Chartered logo on their chests. 

“On Merseyside itself, all roads have been closed to accommodate their massive forms and their persistent, piping cries of ‘Class!’ and ‘Boss!’ echo across the traffic-denuded streets. 

“Be patient, let nature take its course, and a few losses later they’ll be back to their normal, bedraggled selves.” 

He added: “But for the meantime avoid approaching them with anything piercing, like Gerrard slipping on his arse two years ago. Otherwise they’ll blow and oh God, the mess.” 

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Ask Holly: After 90 years of the same, I just want everyone to shove off

Dear Holly,

It’s my birthday. Meh. If you’re Queen of England everyday is like a birthday with party dresses and banquets and rubbish presents. After 90 years of the same, I just want everyone to shove off and leave me alone to binge-watch Narcos on Netflix and chill the hell out. How do I explain this to Philip without him interpreting this as slang for something altogether more eye-watering?



Dear Elizabeth,

Birthday parties are sooooo 1980s. Us millennialists aren’t into all that old fashioned ice-cream and jelly musical statues rubbish. We just invite the whole town to come and ransack our parents’ house on Facebook and then Instagram the hell out of the carnage. 

Hope that helps,