Teabag not given proper two-hour side-of-sink mourning period

NORTHERN parents are furious with their son for throwing a used teabag straight in the bin instead of showing it the proper respect. 

Alan and Jean Booker have lambasted their 19-year-old son Tom, who is at university in Exeter, for callously disposing of the teabag “when it was still bloody warm”.

Jean continued: “We thought we’d raised you better than that.

“That teabag gave everything for you to have a brew, and you just drop it straight in the bin like it’s nothing but rubbish?

“Let it be by the sink. Let it drain away in peace and dignity, and show some appreciation for its noble sacrifice.

“There’s no hurry. The bin’s not going anywhere.”

Tom Booker said: “My new southern friends laughed at me when I said teabags had souls, so I stopped letting them lie in state even though I knew it was wrong.

“I’m sorry, brave soldiers. I salute you, and from now on anyone who has a cup of tea has to sign the condolence book by the chopping board.”

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Farmers celebrate spring by spraying shit everywhere

FARMERS have decided to spray gallons of rotting excrement everywhere now that it is nice to go outside again, it has emerged.

Agricultural workers do not believe spring has truly arrived until the air is thick with the putrid smell of fermented animal waste.

Farmer Tom Logan said: “Liquid manure is farmers’ way of celebrating the new, fertile season. People are in for a treat because I’ve just loaded up the spreader with some especially ripe shit that’s been maturing all winter in a big metal tank.

“It’s like a fine champagne, except made of stewed pig turds.

“There are other fertilisers that are just as effective and come as odourless pellets, but the traditional ways are the best. Apart from battery farms and injecting sheep with steroids.

“I definitely wouldn’t sit down with a beer in the evening and laugh about all the townies almost puking when their delicate little noses smell my slurry. Farmers just aren’t like that.”

Villager Emma Bradford said: “Today I stepped into the garden to pick some flowers and it was as if Satan had farted into my brain.”