Marchers ordered to amble instead

NORTHERN Ireland’s marching season is to be transformed into a series of pleasant strolls.

New rules to reduce tension will impose a pedestrian speed limit of ‘leisurely saunter’ with half-hourly pauses to point at animals and eat crisps.

Loyalist music will be replaced by a portable stereo playing selections from Classic FM’s Clare Jones: The Girl with the Golden Harp CD.

Northern Ireland Minister Theresa Villiers said: “If everyone relaxed a bit they’d notice all sorts of urban wildlife like starlings, foxes and remarkably colourful centipedes.

“Nobody ever had a nice time while having to co-ordinate limb movements with the rest of the group.”

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Avoid all sunlight forever, say goths

GOTHS have warned against exposure to sunlight during and after the heatwave.

Goth Stephen Eldritch-Wolfsbane said: “Don’t go in the sun, you’ll burn and anyway there’s no point. It’s not like it’ll make you happy.

“The parks will be crowded but that will just make you feel more alone than ever. The frisbees, the cool boxes…it’s all so meaningless and awful. None of them understands the dark nature of beauty.

“Avoid alcohol unless it’s snakebite or red wine sipped from a pewter goblet designed to resemble a dragon’s claw.

“Always remember you are fragile, like the wings of a moth. If you must go outside wear a massive black coat with loads of zips on it, or a ball gown.”