Van Gaal slates Ferguson’s wine cellar

MANCHESTER United’s new boss Louis van Gaal has slammed the quality of the booze left behind by Sir Alex Ferguson.

On his first day in the job, former Holland boss van Gaal inspected the magnums, jennies and jeroboams assembled by Ferguson over 27 years, and declared them woefully substandard.

Van Gaal said: “There’s a few big-name labels here that simply aren’t pulling their weight.

“I don’t care if it’s a Chateauneuf-du-Pape or a Slovenian retsina, if its mouthfeel isn’t velvety it’s going straight down the sink.”

The Butthead lookalike went on to announce that the days of three-for-a-tenner deals from Morrisons were over, also declaring a moratorium on any wine that used exclamation marks in the tasting notes or had a cartoon animal on the label.

Van Gaal’s comments will fuel suspicions that Ferguson allowed the quality of United’s wines to decline in his final seasons in charge.

Rumours have also abounded that the long-serving coach secretly emptied several prize bottles of rioja before his departure, replacing them with his own blood, which has a slightly lower alcohol content.

Man United fan Tom Logan said: “I want us to buy loads of English wines even though they cost a fortune and look embarrassing when you put them next to proper European stuff.”

Van Gaal also dismissed the merits of the single bottle left behind by David Moyes, a bottle of cava put on ice in August last year and never opened.

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Life can be tough for a superstar racing driver with wads of cash

Dear Holly,

I’m feeling pretty upset. Not many people realise this, but life can be very cruel for a superstar racing driver with wads of cash and a massive flash car. Why don’t more people pity me?

Sebastian Vettel

Germany

Dear Sebastian,

You don’t know the meaning of the word ‘cruel’ until you have spent a few hours in the company of pre-pubescent school girls. If you find yourself in this situation, avoid becoming a target by ensuring you know all the lyrics to Let It Go from Frozen, that you have at least fifty loom bracelets on each arm and that no-one knows your mum signed you up for orchestra summer club, because otherwise untold dreadful things will happen to you.

Hope that helps!

Holly