May, Merkel and Macron sign 'Ignore him, he's a twat' letter to Iran

THE leaders of France, Germany and the UK have signed an official letter to Iran advising it ignores Trump because he is a twat. 

Following Trump’s decision to unilaterally violate the 2015 nuclear agreement, the leaders have rushed to assure Iran’s Hassan Rouhani that the president is of no account due to being an utter wanker. 

The letter read: “We offer our unequivocal assurances that Trump is, and has always been, an irredeemable dickhead with no idea how anything works. 

“Please be aware that you could be running a nuclear enrichment programme in the room he was in and he would have no idea because he would be either watching himself on the news or one of those documentaries about police dogs. 

“Our promise is that if you stick to the agreement the US will rejoin it within three years once the pretend billionaire has resigned because of corruption. Yours truly, the reasonably sane.” 

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Exercise 'knackering'

A MAN who thought exercise was meant to give you stamina and energy has complained that it just made him knackered. 

Tom Logan of Hitchin has taken up going for a 50-minute run every lunchtime and believed that it would give him new vitality and vigour, but instead keeps dozing off in the afternoon. 

He said: “Am I doing it right? Because I am just fucked. 

“Not just after the run, either. I’m absolutely shagged all afternoon, I struggle to keep my eyes open driving home and then in the evening I lie around like a wet rag. 

“I knew it’d be tiring at first, I’m not stupid, but I’ve been at it six weeks now and rather than a halo of good health lifting me up and giving me new dynamism in all areas of life, I feel six weeks tireder. 

“Back when I did bugger all I at least had enough energy to go out the pub. Now I just sit slumped with my mouth open in front of the telly all night, too exhausted to even change the channel. 

“I’ve not even lost any weight because I’m chugging Red Bull just to stay awake. All physical activity is bullshit.”