Merkel, Mugabe and May on conference call

THERESA May, Robert Mugabe and Angela Merkel are on a conference call about how to remain in power without popular support. 

The leaders, who have nicknamed themselves ‘the Three Ms’, are swapping ideas and methods of continuing to run a country even though nobody really wants you to. 

May said: “I’m picking up lots of tips. Killing white farmers very successful apparently. I’ll give anything a go. 

“Robbie’s been at the top for a very long time, and he’s assured us that all the received wisdom about ‘popular policies’ and ‘responsible management of an economy’ is so much nonsense, which very much aligns with my own instincts. 

“Angela’s very strong on asset-stripping other countries to keep your own limping on – which she said then said ‘oops’ and changed the subject for some reason – and I advised Robbie simply not to resign when expected to, because it wrong-foots everyone beautifully. 

“It was really constructive, and gave me hope I could still be prime minister in 2050 even if it does leave the country ravaged somewhat.”

She added: “We’re all in complete agreement on elections. Silly business. Never again.”