MI6 'Outsourcing Torture To Indian Call Centre'

THE security services have opened a 24-hour torture centre staffed by low-wage Indian workers, it was claimed last night.

Maverick Tory MP David Davis said the government's low-cost torture policy was putting hundreds of experienced British sadists on the dole.

Davis said he had seen leaked documents which described how suspects were flown to India and then locked in a room with a phone.

He added: "When they pick up the handset a friendly female voice says, 'Welcome to Extraordinary Rendition Inc. We value our petrified terror suspects. Press one to be almost drowned in a bucket of piss'."

Martin Bishop, arrested for carrying binoculars near an airport, has been held in a 24-hour detention centre outside Bangalore since March.

He said: "They tore out my fingernails, broke my ribs with a rubber hose, screamed into my face and the whole time I couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.

"I'm no racialist, but when you think of all those unemployed torturers back in England it makes your blood boil. In the end I had to spell out my name in my own faeces."

Foreign secretary David Miliband admitted the beating up of brown people and plane spotters had been put out to tender, adding: "There have also been a few trial runs abroad involving wet plastic sheeting and car batteries."

Davis said that unless the government was forced into a U-turn, a generation of highly-skilled British maniacs would be forced to take jobs torturing people in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

 

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New Rubik Ball Offers Viable Alternative To Human Contact

THE new Rubik's puzzle can provide a healthy alternative to a sexual relationship and is definitely not a fetish for OCD social misfits, its inventor said last night.

Professor Erno Rubik, who lives alone in a house made of maths, designed 'Lonely-Ball' so that it takes 30 years of relentless, stroke-inducing effort to get some coloured things on it to line up.

But he is unconcerned that obsessive users could die as demented, Gollum look-a-like virgins.

"I believe the pleasure of solving this fiendish logic puzzle will far outweigh any pleasures typically associated with physical proximity to a sexual partner.

"And unlike a female, my new puzzle does not bleed on a monthly basis or have frightening hair in strange, secret places."

The professor added: "Why waste precious ball-time caressing a naked young female's glistening, asymmetric body? It lacks the true clarity of purpose that obsessive devotion to a very difficult mathematical plastic ball toy delivers."

Former postman Wayne Hayes, who spent 24 years completing the Rubik's cube, said: "My wife left me, my daughters disowned me and I ended up sleeping in a pop-up urinal. And I wouldn't change a single thing."

He added: "Now I have a small plastic cube with sides that are all the same colour. And if I really want a wife or girlfriend I can just draw a woman's face on it, like in that film with Tom Hanks and the volleyball."