THE security services have opened a 24-hour torture centre staffed by low-wage Indian workers, it was claimed last night.
Maverick Tory MP David Davis said the government's low-cost torture policy was putting hundreds of experienced British sadists on the dole.
Davis said he had seen leaked documents which described how suspects were flown to India and then locked in a room with a phone.
He added: "When they pick up the handset a friendly female voice says, 'Welcome to Extraordinary Rendition Inc. We value our petrified terror suspects. Press one to be almost drowned in a bucket of piss'."
Martin Bishop, arrested for carrying binoculars near an airport, has been held in a 24-hour detention centre outside Bangalore since March.
He said: "They tore out my fingernails, broke my ribs with a rubber hose, screamed into my face and the whole time I couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.
"I'm no racialist, but when you think of all those unemployed torturers back in England it makes your blood boil. In the end I had to spell out my name in my own faeces."
Foreign secretary David Miliband admitted the beating up of brown people and plane spotters had been put out to tender, adding: "There have also been a few trial runs abroad involving wet plastic sheeting and car batteries."
Davis said that unless the government was forced into a U-turn, a generation of highly-skilled British maniacs would be forced to take jobs torturing people in Kentucky Fried Chicken.