Mugabe Must Go, Say Ricky And Bianca

ROBERT Mugabe no longer commands the support of the Zimbabwean people and must resign from office, Ricky and Bianca said last night.

The pair marked their much-anticipated return to Albert Square with a stern warning to the 84 year-old president that his time was up.

In an open letter to Mr Mugabe,  Bianca said: "Your once proud country, rich in both raw materials and human resources, has been brought to its knees by rampant hyper-inflation and the break down of the rule of law. Whossallthatabout?"

Ricky said: "I don't want nuffink more to do wiff ya, alright? It's finished, alright? I trusted you and you treated me like dirt. You better 'ope I never see your face again."

Meanwhile fans of the star-crossed pair have been given a tantalising insight into their story since leaving Walford six years ago.

Former car mechanic Ricky joined the Foreign Office before being seconded to the National Security Agency in Washington where he put together a series of memos urging President Bush to take bold action against Saddam Hussein.

In one scene, to be shown next week, he tells an angry Ian Beale: "I says to 'im 'you don't need no post invasion strategy mate, they'll welcome you like conquering 'eroes'."

Bianca, the ginger skank, drifted from one failed relationship to another, giving birth to three more children, before securing a position as strategic adviser to a large American bank.

It was there that she devised and implemented a policy of high interest home loans to millions of low income people with little or no credit history.

She will be seen in the back room of the Queen Vic telling an angry Ian Beale: "You over-borrowed against your assets. You got greedy dintcha?"
President Mugabe said last night: "I knew Ethel and Willy. I worked with Ethel and Willy. Ethel and Willy were friends of Mine. Ricky and Bianca, you are no Ethel and Willy."

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Britain Strikes Gold In Sport No-One Watches

BRITAIN was riding the crest of a wave of victory last night after repeatedly striking gold in one of those sports that nobody ever watches.

Britain's finest two-legged men and women took home gold medals in the singles, the hot singles, the fancy doubles, the crotchless triples and the doubled pears.

An ecstatic Wayne Hayes, TeamGB manager, said: "Take one pair of perfectly round wheels, add the relentless pounding of some truly magnificent British thighs, and stand well back."

He added: "I said to every single one of them: whatever you do, for God's sake keep pedalling."

Last night's avalanche of triumph comes hot on the heels of British success at the Los Angeles Kerplunk Open and a 14-12 victory in the World Bread Making Championships in Adelaide.

British competitors now sit astride the world stage in rat-shooting, speed pottery, synchronised chewing, professional bowler hat wearing, darts and snooker.

Sport minister, Gerry Sutcliffe, said: "The next time someone tells you Britain is slow at riding a bike, you can look back on this day with pride, hold your head high and tell them to cock off."

He added: "This is the most exciting thing to have happened in British sport since Formula One boss Max Mosley paid some hookers to pummel him with a cricket bat."