Mugabe to share power with Nick Clegg

ROBERT Mugabe has agreed to share the Zimbabwean presidency with Nick Clegg.

Newly re-elected Mugabe hopes that Clegg’s puppyish appeal will lend his regime a veneer of liberalism, while the UK’s former ‘deputy’ prime minister is keen to try out polygamy.

International affairs analyst Tom Booker said: “Dodgy election, result nobody wanted, country headed for disaster, we’ve seen this before.

“Get Clegg in to give naively hopeful smiles in a garden, like a virgin bride, and everyone thinks it will work out fine.”

Nick Clegg, now Zimbabwe’s Deputy Chief Executioner, said: “We have already used our influence to insist on a referendum on proportional representation.

“Reform of the first-past-the-post electoral system is clearly the number one issue facing the people of Zimbabwe right now.”

Liberal Democrat president Tim Farron MP said: “Mugabe was lucky to get him as a coalition partner, actually.

“We had a very tempting rival bid from Iran.”

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Twitter silence highlights misogyny and narcissism

A 24-HOUR Twitter boycott has highlighted the twin social evils of misogyny and narcissism.

The #twittersilence campaign has been hailed as a victory against pathetic rape threats and self-absorbed drivel.

Twitter boycotter Helen Archer said: “What began as a gesture against woman-haters also opened my eyes to the futility of broadcasting every thought that drifts across my frontal lobe.

“Truly I had become pathetically self-aware.

“For example, I was posting links to George Clinton tracks that I’d never listened to in their entirety, just to project an affinity with black music culture.

“I was behaving like a corporation, using thinly-veiled self-promotion to make strangers like me. Now I realise this is stupid I can direct my energies towards something worthwhile.

“This is good for women and also for the human race.”

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “Yesterday I stopped tweeting about myself and my career, and decided instead to invite my 13-year-old son to the park for a game of football.

“To my surprise, I caught him on social media threatening to violate Esther Rantzen.”