Moyes to leave Old Trafford fallow

MANCHESTER United manager David Moyes has announced that Old Trafford will enjoy a season of rest in 2013-14 to let the soil recover.

Moyes, who was a gentleman farmer before entering football management, said: “If we’re to get another crop like Beckham, the Nevilles and Scholes then we must let the pitch revert to natural meadowland.

“It’s a three-year cycle: this year fallow, next year barley, and in 2015 we’ll raise a fast-paced passing team with flying wingbacks that can win the Premier League at a canter.

“I plan to grow some tatties and neeps at the Stretford End, introducing vital nitrogen to the six-yard box, and the team will play all home games at the ground of nearby Winton Wanderers FC.”

Moyes plans to harness Rio Ferdinand to a plough to turn the soil over shortly after Christmas and to tie Gary Neville to a stake to scare the crows away, but otherwise will let nature work its magic without interference.

The press conference guffawed when Moyes produced a potato from his patch that looked exactly like Wayne Rooney, though their mirth faded when he produced a further 212 potatoes that looked exactly like Wayne Rooney.

Furious United fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’d tear up my season ticket and throw it on the pitch, but it’d only biodegrade into a rich, nurturing mulch.”

“Do they really expect people to turn up and watch grass grow for 90 minutes? Still, it’s probably better than a home game against Stoke.”

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New Doctor Who not going to have any science fiction elements

THE next series of Doctor Who is going to be about an actual doctor, the BBC has announced.

BBC One boss Danny Cohen made the announcement after seeing the studio audience of ‘Whovians’ at last night’s TV special.

He said: “What an absolute bunch of freaks.

“That’s what happens when you have spaceships, aliens and zap guns in your programmes – your channel becomes a weirdo fest.

“Now if you look at Doc Martin on ITV, there’s a show with nice normal fans.

“People who keep things in perspective and don’t write arsey letters because a storyline about a sprained ankle ‘isn’t true to the Doc Martin mythos’.”

In the new series of Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi will play a doctor with the unusual surname Who, who works in a hospital near Bristol.

Danny Cohen said: “Every week someone has an accident and Peter Capaldi cures them using actual science.

“There will be a story arc about his estranged wife, or some other good solid everyday stuff. Rest assured there won’t be an army of lizard-men in bondage gear trying to take over the world.

“If Stephen Moffat doesn’t like it he can go off with Neil Gaiman and write some tripe about fairies.”