MANCHESTER United manager David Moyes has announced that Old Trafford will enjoy a season of rest in 2013-14 to let the soil recover.
Moyes, who was a gentleman farmer before entering football management, said: “If we’re to get another crop like Beckham, the Nevilles and Scholes then we must let the pitch revert to natural meadowland.
It’s a three-year cycle: this year fallow, next year barley, and in 2015 we’ll raise a fast-paced passing team with flying wingbacks that can win the Premier League at a canter.
“I plan to grow some tatties and neeps at the Stretford End, introducing vital nitrogen to the six-yard box, and the team will play all home games at the ground of nearby Winton Wanderers FC.
Moyes plans to harness Rio Ferdinand to a plough to turn the soil over shortly after Christmas and to tie Gary Neville to a stake to scare the crows away, but otherwise will let nature work its magic without interference.
The press conference guffawed when Moyes produced a potato from his patch that looked exactly like Wayne Rooney, though their mirth faded when he produced a further 212 potatoes that looked exactly like Wayne Rooney.
Furious United fan Wayne Hayes said: I’d tear up my season ticket and throw it on the pitch, but it’d only biodegrade into a rich, nurturing mulch.
Do they really expect people to turn up and watch grass grow for 90 minutes? Still, it’s probably better than a home game against Stoke.