Naked climbers sentenced to four months in a volcano

THE climbers who stripped naked at the top of Mount Kinabalu have been sentenced to four months inside its 800°C crater.

The volcano, which is not currently active, will open its flaming maw to admit the tourists and keep them imprisoned in an all-magma environment until being belched back to the surface in October.

Malaysian prime minister Najib Razak said: “The mountain’s spirit, Kinorohingan, has requested the opportunity to deal with the offender himself and well, we don’t want any trouble.

“They will be taken back up the mountain, forced to put on a vest, shirt and jumper and then left there while 10,000 tonnes of rock explode into the atmosphere and they are swallowed by lava.

“It may seem harsh, but at the same time I think we can all agree that it obviously isn’t.”

British student Eleanor Hawkins is expected to return intact after finding she was in the same class as Kinorohingan at Derbyshire’s Ockbrook School and her father can get him a job in the City.

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Labour to be renamed ‘Labour, I Suppose’

THE Labour Party is rebranding itself with the phrase that is used by its voters.

After failing to win an election based on a positive appeal to voters, Labour has embraced its future as the default choice of pragmatists who dislike the Conservatives.

A spokesman said: “We also considered ‘Obviously I Can’t Vote Lib Dem So, Yeah, Labour’ but that would require much larger and more expensive badges. We are nothing if not financially prudent.

“Labour tried to be the anti-supposing party. Ed Miliband tried to make us the Labour, Hell Yeah! Party but that was obviously stupid and wrong.

“From now on, Labour, I Suppose will be the party for disenfranchised, tired cynics who expect nothing but compromise and mediocrity. We will deliver.”