New Zealand bastard thinks he's having a bad day

A LUCKY bastard living in a country free of coronavirus is claiming to have had a bad day, it has emerged.

Wellington resident Jack Browne got up, had a coffee in a bustling cafe, took the train to work without either a mask or fear, then lounged around the office chatting but believes life is hard.

Browne said: “I had such a deep, worry-free sleep that I missed my alarm and woke up ten minutes late. That always sets you off wrong.

“Work was boring, it took ten minutes to get served at lunch because the sushi place was packed with people laughing and joking around, and when I got my hair cut he took too much off the sides.

“Then my mates, who frankly I’ve seen too much of recently, dragged me out to the pub, and from there we went to a gig and while I was jostling for space at the crowded bar I hit it off with this girl.

“The sex was pretty good but she hasn’t texted, which hasn’t helped my mood, and this weekend there’s a big family party I can’t be bothered with. Plus it’s coming up to summer.”

He added: “And marijuana didn’t get legalised when we voted in our left-wing prime minister who’s the envy of the world. God, I feel like just locking myself in the house for a good cry.”

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The Daily Mail reader's guide to donating to food banks

DO food banks only encourage a dependency culture, but you’re compelled to support them by peer pressure? Daily Mail reader Donna Sheridan explains how to donate grudgingly.

Never donate anything nice

Give them salmon or Green & Black’s chocolate and you’re essentially congratulating them for choosing their scrounging parasite lifestyle. Stick to instructive foodstuffs such as dried lentils, Smash and bottled water (not sparkling).

Make them work for it

Sliced loaves are for busy people, not the idle. Flour and a 30p packet of yeast means they’ve got all they need to labour for hours baking their own loaves, teaching them what work is and prepare them for the job market.

Write to your MP

Not to state your outrage at the economic conditions that force people to use food banks, but to make them harder to access. Propose a Food Bank Agreement, whereby layabout families get free rice pudding on condition of being sterilised there and then.

Donate food that disgusts you

These products will teach them a lesson: tinned turkey, super-cheap hot dogs in a jar, or cod roe that resembles something out of a cyst. It’s a shame Sainsbury’s doesn’t do pickled rats’ heads.

It’s not just food

Food banks also need things like laundry fluid and toilet paper. Don’t donate these, and definitely not tampons. It’s too much like feminism.

Remember Christmas is on the way

So include some treats! I’ve donated a tin of all-day breakfast, which will make a sumptuous Christmas dinner for a poor family. Give the kiddies something they don’t have like aspirations or a sense of responsibility, which I’ve represented with a Top Gear annual.