Obama White House Will Not Be Filled With Ganja, Says Powell

FORMER US Secretary of State Colin Powell last night reassured white voters that Barak Obama's Oval Office will not be filled with the thick fug of ganja cigarettes.

The retired four star general insisted Obama could also be trusted not to steal anything from the executive mansion.

Powell's intervention is expected to reassure middle America that Obama has a strong father figure in his life who will try to get down to the White House at least every other weekend.

The former chairman of the joint chiefs of staff said: "Obama's a good boy. He ain't gonna steal nothin' from no Oval Office. Yessir.

"I told him, 'you smoke them reefer cigarettes and the police is gonna have a fine time with you. A fine time'.

"I said, 'I don't wanna see you sittin' on the steps of no White House, gettin' toasted and hollerin' at all them young women. I will give you a righteous ass whuppin'. You can count on that'."

Republican John McCain said he respected the decision, adding that Powell was a wise man who had been carrying his golf clubs for more than 25 years.

But Lyle Logan, a 59 year-old white voter from Kentucky, said: "How'd that niggra git to be a general anyhow?"

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Markets Urged To Make Their Fucking Minds Up

GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.

As prices continued to yo-yo up and down like a whore's drawers, politicians and business leaders threatened to go in there and knock a few heads together.

Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "I'm all keyed up. I've looked out my recession clothes and I've got my penknife, my torch and my big flask. Let's do this thing."

A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry, said: "My wife takes less time picking the right hat to wear to the fucking supermarket.

"So far you've been handed £1.2 trillion and, amazingly, no-one has kicked your teeth in. If that's not good enough just say, instead of dropping all these pathetic hints."

He added: "Either go down and stay down, or go up and stay up. Either way, just pick one. I've got plenty of other shit to be getting on with."

But economist Dr Tom Logan insisted: "It won't be long now. We're getting extremely close to what is known, technically, as the 'vinegar strokes' of a recession."