WHO the bloody hell would appoint a 1980s cricketer as trade envoy to Australia? Only Boris Johnson, and only to troll you. Here’s why I’m completely unqualified.
Beginning with my lack of relevant skills: I used to be incredibly good at cricket. I hit sixes and effortlessly caught a high-velocity cricket ball that would kill lesser men. What this has to do with trade deals is f**k all.
I have literally no understanding of quotas, basic economics or non-tariff barriers. Liz Truss didn’t seem bothered in the least, so that’s suspicious. With a bar this low, I could probably be prime minister myself.
Yes, it’s clearly about Brexit. As a vociferous Brexiter I’ve been appointed to annoy Remoaners. That’s fine with me because I’m rich, not exactly an intellectual, and casually believe in Brexit bullshit like stopping the Belgians making all our laws.
Liz said to me, ‘Beefy? We need to make a fuss about the single post-Brexit trade deal we’ve made. We need a man who the lefties can’t mock without looking unpatriotic, who goes to Australia loads anyway because it’s the only other place he’s famous.’
I said ‘I’m your man.’ She said ‘We used to have Prince Andrew as trade envoy but, you know.’ I said ‘That time I tweeted a picture of a cock I was hacked. Ask Robbie Savage.’
Put bluntly, cricket has bugger all to do with the UK economy. I’m not even sure why I’m a member of the House of Lords. I suppose it’s due to my excellent innings at the Ashes in 1981, which is a better reason than most Lords have got.
So I’ve been appointed to piss half of you off and Australia won’t be too pleased either. But rest assured I’ll make the deals. I’ve already secured 200,000 tonnes of dingo kidneys for your Christmas dinners.