Olympic Boycott Would Jeopardise Supply Of £14.99 Dvd Players, Warns Brown

IF Britain wants to pay more than £15 for a DVD player then it may as well just go ahead and boycott the Beijing Olympics, the prime minister said last night.

Mr Brown stressed that although the Chinese had failed to exert their influence in a bid to halt the violence in Darfur, they had produced a slimline DVD player with a really impressive range of features, for what could only be described as 'silly money'.

The prime minister added: "It's multi-region, it's got progressive scan – whatever that is – and it's got a 'zoom' function. For fifteen quid!

"But if you want to go back to the dark days of paying £25 or even £30 for some piece of stone-age Taiwanese crap, then be my guest."

Meanwhile China's 25 million prisoners of conscience have confirmed they will not be attending the summer games, mainly because they are all in jail for not loving communism.

Li Fung-Choo, serving 18 years for whistling a Perry Como song, said: "While the world focuses on China's failure to intervene in Darfur, I have to admit I'm slightly more focused on their failure to let me go to the toilet."

His cell-mate Zhen Lao-Jing, sentenced to life for watching The Color Purple, added: "The Darfur situation is vexing. I would write a letter, but unfortunately someone has just attached a car battery to my privates.

"But by all means do bring your foreign currency to Beijing and watch some steroid addicts chase each other round a football pitch."

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Bank Profits Plunge From Obscene To Repulsive

RECORD bad debts in the US home loan market will see bank profits fall from eye-poppingly obscene to unspeakably repulsive, City analysts warned last night.

Early indications suggest bank earnings in the last quarter of 2007 were down to below 'what-a-bunch-of-fucking -thieves' compared to 'and-the-pricks-still-won't- extend-my-overdraft' for the same period in 2006. 

Henry Brubaker, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Millions of buck-toothed rednecks with no credit history and a disturbing fondness for Jack Daniels were allowed to borrow 40 times their non-existent wages to buy a burnt-out toilet in a crack alley.

"Banks, being the cautious types they are, said 'no problemo, and while you're at it, get yourself a Chevy Trailblazer and a big screen TV for watching WrestleMania, you odious waste of semen'.

"'And for goodness sake don't worry about proof of earnings – we'll roll it all up into one big loan at a fantastic rate of 69.9% APR, which, trust me, is incredibly low for your sort of person'."

He added: "This strategic anomaly has led to a short-term dip in profitability and created the impression that banks are somehow ordinary, everyday businesses. Aha ha ha.

"The fact is, they control every aspect of your lives – often in ways you dare not imagine – and could, if the notion takes them, snap you in half like a dry twig."