Insurers Refuse To Cover Houses Made From Meringue

BRITISH insurance companies could scupper the government's house building plans after refusing to cover homes made from beaten egg whites.

Ministers want to build around three million meringue houses across the midlands and the south east over the next 10 years in a bid to tackle Britain's sugary homes crisis.

The government rejected early proposals for brick built houses insisting they would not be fluffy enough.

The initial phase of three and four bedroom detached homes will be dolloped next to a river in Bedfordshire by the end of 2009. They will be topped with fresh cream and a mountain of summer fruits.

But Tom Logan, deputy director of the British Association of Insurers, said: "Look at me – do I look like some kind of fucking chump?

"Tell you what, why don't you just build the houses out flaming planks of wood? Yeah, that's it, let's build them out of something that's already on fire."

He added: "While we're at it, why don't I insure my balls about 20 minutes after you've chopped them off with an axe?"

Housing minister Caroline Flint said: "Are you kidding? I've just bought two and a half billion free range eggs.

"I'm commandeering sugar. I've got a yard on Tyneside producing huge whisks. And now you're telling me they won't be insured? Piss off."

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Valentine's Sex Bid Will Fail, Says Angry Girlfriend

THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.

Nikki Hollis dismissed claims you spent the night on Steve's couch after getting so drunk with the lads that you missed the last bus home and could not remember your address for the taxi driver.

However, that slut from the office who has been sniffing around you for weeks like a bitch in heat and is now walking about with a stupid smirk on her fat little face is welcome to you, she added.

Hollis, 26, said: "If I was you I'd save your pennies because that tubby little cow looks very high-maintenance and you won't have me paying your rent any more.

"If you think you can get in my pants with that pathetic bunch of roses and a box of Thorntons like last year, then you are even more of a dick than all my friends said you were.

"A bottle of Tesco's Cava? You cheap fucking shit. Take that round to your little whore – I'm sure they'll be straight off."

Hollis stressed that you should just fuck off and leave her alone adding: "If you take fatty boom-boom to our restaurant tonight, I will come in and tear her fucking head off and use it as cocktail glass. You bastard."

Gary Degan, 26, said: "Nikki. Nik. Niks. Pleeeaaase. Let me in. I know you paid for it, but it is my Playstation."