ALL luggage checked-in at Heathrow airport is to be thrown onto a giant roulette wheel in a bid to increase its chances of arriving at the correct destination.
Under the current system bags are checked-in electronically and then transported on a computerised conveyor belt system to a central hall where they are smashed open, urinated on and then set on fire.
Airport executives claim the installation of the roulette wheel will improve the odds of your bags arriving at the same airport as you to at least 36-1.
At the same time a new customer information system means that as soon as you land in Zurich you will receive a text message telling you your luggage has arrived safely in Caracas.
Wayne Hayes, head of baggage handling at Heathrow, said: "Our new system enables us to track your luggage through every stage of the process, from when it is checked-in incorrectly, through to when it is mislaid, and then when it is finally ditched over a large body of water.
"We can tell you exactly where your luggage is at all times even though we still have no idea how any of it gets to where it does. Sometimes I think the whole place is infested with naughty elves."
He added: "Last week we had to ship a dead old lady from Alicante to Birmingham. She was finally discovered propped up in a corner in Aberdeen, but only after one of the sniffer dogs got to her first. We managed to sew the legs back on."
Holidaymaker Bill McKay said: "It's eighty degrees in the shade and I've been wearing the same pants for a week. My trousers stand up on their own when I take them off at night. WHERE. IS. MY. FUCKING. STUFF?"