One in four newborns is a 29-year-old Polish bathroom fitter

THE UK’s population boom is caused by British mothers giving birth to fully-grown Eastern European tradespeople, research has shown.

Almost one in four new children born in the UK is an adult from Poland, Romania or Bulgaria already working two jobs to send money home to his other family.

Mother Eleanor Shaw said: “The doctor warned me it was an unusual pregnancy, but not that the child in my womb was actually 25 years old, had a degree in data engineering from Krakow University of Technology and was working as an electrician until his English improved.

“He was very polite and said that we could give him a new name if Zdzislaw was too hard to say, but once they’d washed the blood off he was straight out because his van was outside and he’d left his tools in it.

“I’m not sure how I feel. I was expecting something cuter, but he’s offering £95 a week for the room and that’ll come in handy.”

A spokesman for the Migration Observatory unit said: “Getting across Europe can be a hassle so often it’s easier for immigrants to cast their souls into the ether, find a vacant womb and grow to maturity in situ.

“Often they’re actually already employed in the hospitals they’re born into, so it’s convenient for everyone.”

Ewa Bielicka of Reading said: “I love new father and mother very much for the opportunity they have given me to live here and work at Caffe Nero.

“English babies lazy.”

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No Garys left in Britain by 2050

GARYS could be wiped out within a generation after it emerged there have been no children named Gary since 1992.

Once common across Britain, experts believe the country could be at ‘zero Gary’ by the year 2050.

Tom Logan, a Gary campaigner, said: “Thirty years ago our playgrounds were teeming with Garys. Simple, straightforward boys who just wanted to be radio DJs.

“But they have been driven out by Kyles, Noahs, Jordans and Masons. Foreign sounding names for suspicious, unreliable children.”

Logan, who tours maternity hospitals promoting the name Gary, said: “We’ve already lost Alan, the last Ken is living in a shed in Farnborough and the Lees that were once at every party claiming they knew martial arts are increasingly rare.

“Please, name your baby Gary. He’ll grow into it.”