Paris mass grave contains tourists who were unable to get served

A MASS grave beneath Paris contains the bones of foreigners who starved while attempting to summon a waiter, it has emerged.

Archaeologists believe bones unearthed beneath the city belonged to hungry tourists who died while waiting for someone to take their food order.

Historian Christophe Lambert said: “The mass grave is below the former site of L’Escargot Jolie, a bistro renowned for sumptuous cuisine and extreme moodiness.

“Wealthy Britons would travel to sample its fare, only to find themselves ignored because they had not turned their menus face down.

“Which, incidentally, is a sign of French hospitality because we don’t want people to feel rushed.

“The combination of extreme hunger and the smoke-filled atmosphere would become overwhelming, and after long periods of waiting awkwardly many died with empty stomachs.”

One of the skeletons was buried with a journal, the final entry of which says “Saturday 13, 1811: So hungry…must eat something soon.

“Sitting here for three days now. Surely waiter cannot avoid eye contact forever.”

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Hipsters breeding with cockneys

THE influx of hipsters to East London has resulted in a new hybrid species, scientists have announced.

The new species, scientific name newmedius philmitchellum, combines the worst elements of aspirational middle-class trendiness and cockney bullshit.

Zoologist Donna Sheridan said: “Cockneys probably first encountered hipsters while visiting their local for a traditional evening of boozing and being a character, only to discover it was full of web designers and ‘vintage’ Ms Pac-Man machines.

“Subsequent drunken copulation created a completely new strain of twat with wanky job titles like ‘internet viral imagineer’ and a tedious fixation with the folklore of east London.

“It’s increasingly common to walk down Shoreditch High Street and see a thin young man with a handlebar moustache claiming this is where Ronnie and Reggie Kray shot down a German bomber.

“They are also taking over the local media scene, for example by setting up independent production companies to make pretentious short films about how much they love their old mum.”

Cockney hipster Roy Hobbs said: “My new media start-up is currently developing an app that warns you if you are leaving the vicinity of Bow Bells, which wouldn’t be luvvly jubbly.

“Part of the funding came from my stockbroker father and the rest from turning over a bookie with some tasty geezers with shooters.”