A 42-YEAR-OLD man has been named as the UK’s new lowest common denominator.
Norman Steele of Preston will be the measure against which all music, film, food, household furnishings and political policy are tested before being released to the public.
A government spokesman said: “Sitting in the ivory tower of Westminster, it can be impossible to tell the types of effluent that Britain will greedily gulp down.
“We need a man on the ground, a native able to take concepts that to us are abominable, like the Egg McMuffin, and spot their indefinable popular appeal.
“Our previous LCD, a 35-year-old Ramsgate woman, was able to correctly predict that the country would shrug and eat horsemeat without complaint and that Gogglebox would work, but unfortunately lost her edge after judging UKIP too stupid for anyone to believe.
“But Mr Steele, who has never met a Dan Brown book he didn’t like, will be a more than able replacement in sorting the chaff from the extremely-poor-quality wheat.”
Steele said: “I like The Script, I like those Rustler’s burgers you do in the microwave, and I’ve always got time for Bargain Hunt.
“But I won’t be watching the third series of Broadchurch, those corner sofas leave you with less room to sit, the new Creme Eggs taste like shit and I’m not having Prince Charles as king.”