Britain appoints new lowest common denominator

A 42-YEAR-OLD man has been named as the UK’s new lowest common denominator. 

Norman Steele of Preston will be the measure against which all music, film, food, household furnishings and political policy are tested before being released to the public. 

A government spokesman said: “Sitting in the ivory tower of Westminster, it can be impossible to tell the types of effluent that Britain will greedily gulp down. 

“We need a man on the ground, a native able to take concepts that to us are abominable, like the Egg McMuffin, and spot their indefinable popular appeal. 

“Our previous LCD, a 35-year-old Ramsgate woman, was able to correctly predict that the country would shrug and eat horsemeat without complaint and that Gogglebox would work, but unfortunately lost her edge after judging UKIP too stupid for anyone to believe.

“But Mr Steele, who has never met a Dan Brown book he didn’t like, will be a more than able replacement in sorting the chaff from the extremely-poor-quality wheat.”

Steele said: “I like The Script, I like those Rustler’s burgers you do in the microwave, and I’ve always got time for Bargain Hunt.

“But I won’t be watching the third series of Broadchurch, those corner sofas leave you with less room to sit, the new Creme Eggs taste like shit and I’m not having Prince Charles as king.”

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Dyer wedding to end in formulaic revenge drama

THE wedding of actor Danny Dyer will end with his wife being kidnapped by rival gangsters, it has been confirmed.

Danny Dyer expert Mary Fisher said: “Pretty much everything Danny does ends up with him vowing revenge, and his nuptials will be no exception.

“Halfway through the post-ceremony disco the best man will be revealed as a goon for an unconvincing crime firm called ‘The Tough As Nails Crew’ with a grudge against Danny because of some vague territorial conflict.

“The villain will whip out a ‘shooter’ because dragging Danny’s ‘missus’ into a waiting secondhand BMW 7 Series. Then Danny will make a hard face and say something like, ‘This ain’t no game, I’m coming for you.’

“From there he will shoot some stocky men who run strip clubs, blow up a warehouse, etcetera before eventually getting his wife back.

“The wedding photographer will video the whole thing, edit it down to 90 minutes and release it straight onto the shelves of Britain’s remaining DVD libraries, which should just about pay for the canapes.”