Cliff raid inspires f**king awful song

THE police raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s house has inspired him to write yet another mawkish dirge.

The new single, An Innocent Man, features Richard’s trademark combination of shit music, shit lyrics and naked egotism.

Sir Cliff said: “When the police raided my house it was clearly a sign from God that He wanted to hear another of my brilliant hits.

“The new song is about an ordinary, humble guy who’s persecuted by the authorities for bringing a message of love to the world via upbeat but heartfelt pop.

“As the first verse puts it: ‘I want to be free to sing a cappella/ Because I’m a lot like Nelson Mandela/ God’s sacred love guides us and feeds us/ In fact I am also quite like Jesus.”

The abysmal nature of An Innocent Man has made it an instant hit with the UK’s pensioners, who will keep it at number one in the charts until Simon Cowell finds another musician whose looks are acceptable to them.

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Man picks up warm dog shit, seals it in a bag then leaves it in the hedge

A DOG walker has bagged a pile of fresh canine faeces then put it back in almost the same place.

Greyhound-type dog owner Tom Booker took immediate action when his pet voided its bowels on a path.

He said: “Fighting back nausea, I picked up the stinking dog shit with only a thin plastic bag between it and my hand.

“I could totally feel the warmth from where it had been in the dog’s arse. Also it was quite soft and squishy.

“Still gagging, I tied the bag to seal in the disgusting mess.

“Then I thought ‘fuck it’ and chucked it in the hedge.

“Not sure why I did that. Somehow I am ok with pretty much touching a carnivorous animal’s rank excrement, but not with carrying a plastic bag to a bin.

“Maybe on some level I really admire dog turds and want to enshrine then in a non-biodegradable material for others to enjoy.”