THE police raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s house has inspired him to write yet another mawkish dirge.
The new single, An Innocent Man, features Richard’s trademark combination of shit music, shit lyrics and naked egotism.
Sir Cliff said: “When the police raided my house it was clearly a sign from God that He wanted to hear another of my brilliant hits.
“The new song is about an ordinary, humble guy who’s persecuted by the authorities for bringing a message of love to the world via upbeat but heartfelt pop.
“As the first verse puts it: ‘I want to be free to sing a cappella/ Because I’m a lot like Nelson Mandela/ God’s sacred love guides us and feeds us/ In fact I am also quite like Jesus.”
The abysmal nature of An Innocent Man has made it an instant hit with the UK’s pensioners, who will keep it at number one in the charts until Simon Cowell finds another musician whose looks are acceptable to them.