People looking for leader of West choosing between Trudeau and Merkel but definitely not May

PEOPLE looking for a new leader of the western world are eyeing up Justin Trudeau and Angela Merkel and dismissing Theresa May without a second thought.

Since the post became vacant four weeks ago, anxious Europeans and North Americans have been impressed by how the Canadian prime minister and German chancellor have defended western values and realised that Britain’s prime minister is rubbish at it.

Johanna DeVries, from Amsterdam, said: “We do need someone who can defend and articulate our core beliefs. Pandering to arseholes is not one of them.”

She added: “Ivanka Trump and the Duchess of Cambridge are clearly opting for Trudeau, but I like that Frau Merkel will tell Putin he’s a horse’s cock – and do it in fluent Russian.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Justin Trudeau is young and progressive, yet pragmatic. Plus, I saw a photo of him balancing his entire body weight on a desk in some sort of exotic yoga position.

“Maybe Theresa May could have a go at that?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Dear Holly: How can I convince Big Theresa to give me my referendum fix?' Nicola, Edinburgh

Dear Holly,
After the last Scottish independence referendum I woke up the next day and swore: never again. But it’s been a while… surely I’ve shown I’ve got willpower? So, what’s another little referendum going to do? I just want the one; just one teeny tiny little referendum and then I swear I’ll be off them for good. How can I convince Big Theresa to give me my referendum fix?

Dear Nicola,
There are lots of ways to get what you want, but you could try saying ‘oh pleeeeeeease’ in a really whiny annoying voice over and over again until your mummy can’t take it anymore. If that doesn’t work, you could try asking at a time when your mummy is distracted, like when she has started on the wine and is slagging someone off to your Auntie Sheila, or while she’s watching Poldark; and if you’re STILL not successful, just go and ask your daddy.Hope that helps!