People on low carb diets terrified of post-Brexit courgetti shortage

THE government has been urged to secure post-Brexit supplies of courgetti by people who think it is in any way a substitute for pasta.

As the Brexit negotiations have so far failed to address the courgetti situation, millions of Britons on low carb diets are incredibly worried they will not be able to eat massive bowlfuls of it every day.

Mary Fisher, from Stevenage, said: “My main understanding of Brexit has been that it’s going to make it harder for my eldest son to piss around in Berlin for several years pursuing a doomed career as a DJ before returning home to become an IT consultant.

“But recently I have heard talk of a food shortage that will hit the courgetti sector particularly hard. Have you ever tried to spiralise a turnip? It’s sore and it tastes shit.

“My husband has said that I’ll just have to eat normal pasta like everyone else, but it will be like returning to the culinary dark ages when people thought sushi was the height of sophistication rather than a bog standard staple. Brexit has hit me hard on a personal level.

“I’m starting to think I should have learnt a bit about it before I voted out.”

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Shithole flat cleverly disguised by string lights

A CRAP flat now looks delightful due to some clever string light placement, it has been confirmed.

First-time renter, 22-year-old Tom Logan, put up the set of colourful mini lanterns in anticipation of his parents’ imminent visit.

He said: “I strategically hung the lights so that they obscured the damp on the wall and covered up what I hope is a ketchup stain on the brickwork.

“Turns out the hole those ants keep crawling out of was actually the perfect place to hook the end of the lights onto. It’s a ‘life hack’.”

He added: “It also gives me a great excuse to dim the big light, so my folks can’t tell I’m using cardboard boxes as a bookcase.

“Essentially, I want the lights to say: ‘I’m not a total screw up, but it’d also be great if you chucked me fifty quid.’”