Pope smashes bottle on bar

POPE Francis broke the bottom of a Grolsch bottle open on a bar when asked how Catholics should respond to insults to their faith.

“What did you just say about the doctrine of papal infallibiliy?”

He followed that with urgent inquires aimed at finding out who had been “talking shit” about Catholicism and what way these people walk home.

Pope Francis continued: “Freedom of speech is absolutely inviolable when it comes to priests spreading the news of the Lord. For anyone else, not so much.

“Turning the other cheek is one of those things Christ said but, when you read between the lines, didn’t really mean.

“You say anything about the Holy Trinity – you breathe one disrespectful word about the Blessed Virgin – and I put you in the ground, my friend.

“I’m with my Muslim brothers, who should immediately convert to the one true faith or spend eternity being tortured for their sins in hell, on this one.”

Onlookers immediately praised the Pope, who could have chosen from any number of golden and bejewelled daggers to defend his faith but instead chose a humble broken bottle to bring peace to his foes.

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Woman on diet has lost one and a half friends since start of January

A WOMAN on a new diet has already seen her social engagements slimmed down dramatically.

Emma Bradford has been telling everyone about the benefits of the DASH diet since 1st January and is amazed at the difference it has made to her on Facebook, Twitter and in real life.

She said: “Turning down every invitation to the pub or cinema to run on a treadmill while staring at The One Show with subtitles isn’t easy, but the friends are just dropping off me.

“By loudly counting calories, treating any offer of cake or chocolate as a personal insult and demanding sponsorship for a half-marathon, even strangers are going out of their way to avoid me.

“As we head into crunch time, I plan to offer patronising dieting advice to anyone fatter than me. By April, I expect the social invitations to stop entirely.”

By May, Bradford hopes to be posting before and after pictures on Facebook, the former showing her surrounded by laughing friends in a bar and the latter showing her alone with a kale smoothie.