Psychic Octopus Receiving Knickers In The Post

PAUL, the psychic octopus, has been inundated with knickers from thousands of randy women.

After correctly predicting the outcome of some football matches by picking a mussel from a box, the mystical two year-old from Oberhausen in Germany has attracted an army of female fans keen to mate with him at least once.

Helen Archer, from Grantham, said: “He’s got such soulful eyes. I think those are his eyes. No, hang on, those are his testicles.

“He’s got such soulful testicles.”

Nikki Hollis, from Doncaster, said: “He’s changed my life and I want to have his babies. I know we’re not an exact biological match but all my friends say I’m very ugly.”

She added: “I want to rub his ink all over my naked body and feel his slimy legs sucking on my bum. Does that sound weird?”

A unit has now been set up at Oberhausen’s Sea Life Aquarium to sort the underpants by colour, size and freshness.

A spokesman said: “Many of them have obviously given it a lot of thought in a bid to gain some sort of advantage. One woman sent four pairs of dirty knickers that had been stitched together.”

But the spokesman added: “We actually think Paul might be a homosexual octopus. Roughly one of in 10 of them are. He keeps his tank incredibly tidy and after he’s picked the mussel from the box he then wears it as a broach.

“And I don’t think he’s particularly interested in human males, unless they’ve got eight legs. Or perhaps three, if you catch my drift.”

In a good week for molluscs, it has also emerged that male squids are capable of vast erections, leading to dozens of dating websites being forced to scrap their strict ‘no-cephalopods’ rule.

Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said: “Women actually have very simple needs – eight arms, an ability to read minds and a cock the size of your arm.”


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Any Chance You Could Do Kay Burley? Rothbury Asks Armed Police

RESIDENTS in Rothbury have asked armed police if one of them has a minute to take down Sky’s Kay Burley.

The sleepy Northumberland village has been under siege since the anchorwoman arrived yesterday morning, armed with a world-weary camera crew and a head full of her usual stupid bullshit.

Martin Bishop, a retired engineer, said: “She stopped me in the street and asked me how terrified I was on a scale from one to 14 and a half.

“When I said I wasn’t particularly bothered because the place was swarming with police and the suspect seems to be a particularly special kind of moron whose name appears to have been randomly thrown together, she immediately accused me of hiding him in my shed.

“And of course by this time I am just looking at her blankly and wishing to God that a little red dot would appear in the middle of her forehead.”

Local parish councillor, Nathan Muir, added: “She kept asking me how many times I had been to the toilet and I kept trying to catch the eye of a policeman with a large handgun and then motioning towards her with my head.”

And Emma Bradford, a housewife and mother of three, said: “Kay Burley asked me how responsible I felt – on a scale from six to 32 – for allowing this man to park his car in my community.

“When I repeatedly refused to apologise she then threatened to report me to social services and said I was obviously on heroin.

“And yet for some reason all these police insist on chasing a heavily armed killer.”

Meanwhile, earlier today, as the police continue to scour the surrounding countryside, one of the villagers sneaked up to Burley and attached a hand written note to her back which read ‘I am Raoul Moat in a bad wig’.