Queen ‘would be interested in Scotland if it was a horse’

THE Queen is not particularly interested in Scotland because she is unable to ride it.

Amid calls for the Queen to stop Scottish independence with her bare hands, Buckingham Palace said that if it was not about horses ‘you may as well be speaking Klingon’.

A spokesman said: “We could ask her, sure, but she would just shrug and then go back to rubbing some leather.

“You need to create the illusion that ‘Scotland’ is a beautiful stallion and Her Majesty must intervene before it is sold to her Arabian nemesis.”

David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband immediately volunteered to be a horse, or play the part of a simple but intuitive stable boy who reckons ‘Scotland’ is the ‘best he’s ever seen’.

The Palace spokesman added: “Like most people of her age, she really doesn’t care about other humans anymore.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Kate to continue public engagements while vomiting

THE Duchess of Cambridge is to fufill all her public engagements while throwing up.

Beginning with the opening of the Invictus Games tomorrow, Kate will be attended by a servant holding a jewel-studded vomit tureen, a gift to Britain from the Shah of Iran.

A lady-in-waiting will hold back her lustrous brown hair as she daintily but stylishly evacuates her stomach, while waving at members of the public.

The Duchess’s solo tour of Malta later this month will go ahead as planned, and she has promised to leave a trail of bilious puke all over the island for locals to enjoy.

Royal-watcher Helen Archer said: “If I could see Kate’s girlish gorge rise and her mouth fountaining her guts up all over my floral dress, I’d be the happiest woman in Britain.”