Richest 85 to buy poorest 3.5 billion

THE world’s richest people will purchase half the population in a deal worth trillions, it has been confirmed. 

Once the bank transfers have cleared, billions of people will be shipped off to their new owners for a variety of purposes as they see fit.

Sierra Leone pauper Wayne Hayes said: “A letter came through saying I had to go to a Japanese businessman’s mansion and that it was hoped that I liked balls, whatever that means.

“I have to make my own way there on foot and by stowing away in cargo holds because he clicked the Super Saver delivery option for me. I suppose it’s by looking after the pennies that he’s got to where he is today.

“I say goodbye to my family tonight – they are heading to Texas where they will make waterfall noises for the benefit of a 78-year-old petrochemicals magnate with prostate issues.”

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Primark creates clothing range for shoplifters

PRIMARK has launched a range of shoplifting attire with concealed pockets and other thief-friendly features.

Clothing in the Taken collection include a built-in mini barcode scanner, allowing wearers to calculate the retail and street value of their chosen items. It vibrates on detecting an item that can be returned for cash without a receipt.

A spokesman said: “Even though our price points are low, we’re keen to closely replicate catwalk trends. The big labels are doing urban sportswear, and shoplifting is the ultimate urban sport.

“I often walk through different branches for inspiration, and I see people stuffing their pockets with our socks and pants – the five pairs for a pound packs.

“Hopefully, these clothes will inspire them to be more aspirational in their stealing. I think the trousers are smart enough for going on the rob in John Lewis.”

Fashion blogger Carolyn Ryan said “It’s cheaper to buy a couple of the Primark pieces than it is to buy a roll of foil and line your bag with it.”

Seasoned shoplifter Helen Archer disagreed: “It’s important to dress properly for a day of shoplifting, but you can’t let your clothes do the work for you.

“I saw one poor boy taken down as he tried to out walk of Curry’s with an ill-concealed Kenwood Chef up the front of his special jacket, which he clearly thought worked as a Harry Potter style invisibility cloak.”

“Shoplifting isn’t for everyone. If you’re not that bright, you should try credit card fraud instead.”