Child labourer oblivious to concept of Blue Monday

AN 11-year-old Indian brick-kiln worker has admitted he’s unaware that this is the most depressing day of the year.

Sunil Kumbhar, who doesn’t go to school because he works in a giant furnace in South India, said he’d never heard of the Western concept of ‘Blue Monday’.

He said: “You say it’s caused by a combination of rain, having spent too much on luxury gifts and feeling bad about breaking your New Year promise not to eat chocolate?

“I can see how that must be hard for you.

“My days are mostly pretty similar, except when I get beaten with a length of copper pipe for not making enough bricks.

“Probably things will stay pretty consistent for me in a hard manual labour, grinding poverty kind of way until I die aged about 45. Which also means I don’t need to stress about pensions.

“Anyway I really hope you guys are ok. Just try to stay positive, I guess.”

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Neville arrested outside Moyes house with gun

GARY Neville as been arrested for attempting to scale David Moyes’s garden fence while carrying a gun.

The former United player was found with a pistol, sack and a signed photo of Alex Ferguson in the early hours of this morning.

Neville’s nearby car had the engine running and the boot open.

Inspector Denys Finch Hatton confirmed: “We arrested a 38-year-old man at 3am in Wilmslow on suspicion of training the defence of set-pieces with the use of menaces.

“The arrest may lead to further charges relating to an incident in December where a tactics whiteboard was used as an offensive weapon.”

Neville was seen leaving Sky’s Sunday Night Football studio yesterday evening swigging from a bottle of Lucozade Sport and muttering the phrase “Europa fucking League” under his breath.

Cheshire constabulary said Moyes’s police protection cannot be boosted because his allocation of officers already exceeds that of David Cameron on a visit to Liverpool.

Manchester United have offered their manager time away from his post while the criminal investigation is completed and have suggested eight years’ gardening leave as an initial period of rest.

Finch Hatton said: “Neville is currently being held in a maximum security cell as the blue police uniforms could remind him of City, Chelsea and Everton, all of which seem to set him off again.”