Rob Ford confirms Santa role

TORONTO mayor Rob Ford has confirmed his new role delivering gifts in a magical sleigh.

Crack enthusiast Ford was appointed head of Christmas because of his white hair, rotundity and jolly red eyes.

He said: “This is a great chance for me to redeem myself in the eyes of the world’s children. There’s no way I’m going to fuck up again.

“I love the fur-trimmed uniform and the flying reindeer will take me literally anywhere in a flash, for example if I say ‘Prancer, let’s go and score’ then before I know it we’re on the roof of a decrepit tenement building talking business with someone called Loose Eye.

“Obviously that’s not going to happen though. The world’s children are relying on me and I’ve got to hold it down. Got to.”

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Tech giants raise spectre of vinyl and VHS

IF the NSA keeps spying on the internet consumers will return to vinyl records and films on tape, massive companies have warned.

The world biggest technology firms have joined forces to demand an end to internet spying before people are forced back into records shop and video rental stores, with their sticky carpets and adolescent stench.

Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, AOL, Microsoft, Yahoo and, for some reason, LinkedIn, say the NSA’s clandestine activities will make the public distrust the very act of downloading in case it is then used to blackmail them to death.

A spokesman for Apple said: “The NSA must not be allowed to undermine the internet’s primary function of enabling the free movement of money from you to us.

“Do you want to go back to queuing in some dirty little record shop full of manky hippies looking for a particularly rare – and shit – John Cale EP with a gatefold sleeve?

“No, because you’re decent.”

The spokesman added: “The NSA clearly does not remember spending part of Friday evening in a Blockbuster trying to work out what exactly had been spilled on the floor earlier that day.

“And when you buy or rent something from iTunes we don’t force you to look at our pasty, acne-ridden faces as we slowly tap the serial number into the computer like an animal.

“‘That’s due back by 5pm on Monday’. Remember that? Remember being told what to do by some whiny, undergraduate ponce in a fetid polo shirt? That’s no way to live.

“Your credit card details are totally secure. I swear to God.”