Stoke City wins Premier League

ALL-CONQUERING glamour club Stoke City are now a mathematical certainty to win the Premier League.

The battle for the Premier League title became a one-horse race at the weekend as clubs like Man United, Man City and Chelsea abandoned their ambitions to focus on fighting relegation.

Hull, Norwich and West Bromwich Albion are left scrapping over the remaining three European places.

But critics say that a Premier League that’s won before Christmas shows how unbalanced English football has become.

Commentator Nathan Muir said: “It’s beyond a joke seeing the same teams winning every week.

“What about the real fans who loyally turn up at White Hart Lane to see their team labour through another defeat?

“Granted the big teams are intimidated by having to play on a rainy Tuesday night in a shithole like Old Trafford, but most of their games are on a Sunday so they get the TV money.

“And then in Europe you see those same names raking it in from big-money clashes with the likes of Viktoria Plzen and F91 Dudelange.”

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho said: “There’s no shame in being beaten by Stoke, not when they’re fielding players like Ryan Shawcross and Glenn Whelan, and then can bring a Moroccan international off the bench.

“It’s an honour for us for our defeat to be part of their glittering history.”

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Jerry Dammers wishing he'd known about this Madiba thing

JERRY Dammers of The Special AKA is furious that nobody ever told him Nelson Mandela was also known as Madiba.

The ska legend believes he would’ve had a far easier time writing a top ten hit if he’d had a three syllable name to work with rather than a five syllable one.

He continued: “My single, Free Nelson Mandela, took me two years to compose because it’s absurdly hard to write a snappy chorus around that name.

“I tried getting away with Free Nelson but everyone thought the song was about the historical admiral. Somehow Free Nelson M wasn’t right either.

“If I’d known he was called Madiba I could’ve got it done in ’82 and he would have been out in 1989.”

Music historian Carolyn Ryan said: “Having a name that scans well in the chorus of a pop song is very helpful if you’re a victim of government injustice.

“It explains why, despite Ukrainian protests being in the news, not one person in 100 can name wrongly imprisoned former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko.”

Former Genesis frontman Peter Gabriel said: “When I started writing my hit song Biko, I didn’t even know who Steve Biko was.

“I just heard the name and thought it sounded kind of catchy.”