Russia and Ukraine still going to vote for each other in Eurovision

THE Ukraine and Russia are to give each other maximum points in the Eurovision song contest despite basically being at war.

In a private call, Vladimir Putin and acting Ukrainian President Olensandr Turchynov assured one another that whatever massive bloodshed might ensue, the ‘twelve point protocol’ would not be breached.

Turchynov said: “We deplore covert Russian efforts to annex our nation, but we just love Russia’s Tolmachevy Sisters and their bouncy entry Shine, with its uplifting message that we are all as bright as light bulbs.”

Putin said: “I cannot rule out using nuclear weapons against the Ukraine, but there is no question of us not awarding ‘douze points’ to Ukraine’s Maria Yaremchuk and her perky ditty Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

“I mean come on, it’s so catchy and just makes you move your hips.”

International military analyst Julian Cook said: “It is important to understand the East European mentality in these matters. When it comes to doing down the arrogant United Kingdom, they are united.

“They piss from on high on your Engelbert Humperdinck. They shit in the mouth of your Bonnie Tyler.”

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84 per cent would have sex with robots that aren't very advanced

MOST people would have sex with basic robots that don’t even have faces.

Researchers into the future of human/machine relationships found that most people were not bothered about robots getting super-lifelike before they start having intercourse with them.

Carpenter Wayne Hayes said: “After fifteen years of marriage I’m quite prepared to go C3PO, if you get my meaning.

“A vending machine with a waist-height chute and a photograph of Scarlett Johansson stuck to it would be fine.”

Robotics will be able to produce realistic machine prostitutes within the next fifteen years, although this could be reduced to a decade if people stop phoning to ask if they’re nearly finished.