Perhaps your concern could extend to not eating us, say chickens

CHICKENS have thanked consumers for their concern over methods of slaughter and asked if that goodwill could be extended to just leaving them alone.

As Pizza Express confirmed all their chicken meat is halal, Britain’s favourite birds stressed that being stunned before having their throats cuts in the traditional Muslim fashion was ‘small consolation’, and that, ideally, they would prefer to live in an orchard.

Jane Thomson, a four month-old chicken from Lincolnshire, said: “If I was a Pizza Express customer I’d probably want to know if they were using religious methods of slaughter, but it’s a moot point because I’m not a huge fan of pizza and I’m a prisoner in this massive shed.

“Still, it’s nice to know that before you shove me and all of my friends into your fat faces, you’re terribly worried about how we spend our last moments. You’re an amazing species and our admiration for you is boundless.”

Ms Thomson added: “Funnily enough, the humans who spend their meagre salaries at the popular chicken outlets are the ones with whom we feel the greatest affinity.

“Perhaps one day we’ll all live together in a big orchard and you can give us corn and we’ll give you eggs and no-one needs to die.

“Anyway, that’s my tuppence worth.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
In your local hipster coffee shop ‘skinny white’ is the most popular coffee order and a description of the staff.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Legs is your favourite ZZ Top song about a woman learning how to walk again after a spinal injury.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from Channel 4 about your documentary idea where several ursines attack a naked survivalist called Bare Bears & Bare Bear.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday, your cousin’s wedding is ruined when a little dog starts a fight on the dance floor and turns it into a scrappy do.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Getting your Lowri Turner name by combining a Northern painter and a landscape painter, you discover yours is Hockney Monet.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
At the end of your date, he gives you a charmingly old-world peck on the cheek and puts you into a cab, meaning you have to disconnect the camera equipment and the gimp swing in your flat alone.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Another day, another dollar. Unless you work in a sweat shop, in which case it’s another 75 cents.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your first AA meeting goes badly after you bring a bottle of red and a bottle of white because you were unsure what people preferred.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You don’t understand people who use Facebook to humblebrag as you’re unfamiliar with the concept of humility or having anything to brag about.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Typical, there’s no buses then three turn up at once. Sorry, not buses. Heart attacks.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your upbeat outlook, ready smile and eternal optimism are just three reasons why everyone loathes you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
For the last 20 years you’ve been obeying the instructions on a shirt that say ‘Do Not Iron’.