Russia excluded from True Detective finale

PRESIDENT Obama has announced sanctions against Russia which include a ban on the season finale of True Detective.

Obama said: “To revel in every thrilling twist and turn in True Detective, only to find the last episode is US-only will hurt Russia more than any missiles could.”

President Putin said: “We were already reeling from the punitive sanctions against 31 of my allies, banning them from flying first class and from buying single malts older than 18 years.  Now we are to miss the  climax of the McConaissance?

“I cannot take the risk of reading True Detective spoilers on Twitter. Tonight, the nukes fly.”

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All dietary advice was fruit company conspiracy

FRUIT companies have misled the public into thinking fat and processed sugar are bad, it has emerged.

As it emerged that saturated fats are good for you, researchers pointed the finger at major fruit producers, known collectively as ‘Big Fruit’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Everyone knows Mars bars are nicer than fruit – and therefore better for you. Fruit companies pay scientists to falsify data saying fruit is good for you while slagging off everything else.

“That’s how powerful Big Fruit is.

“In my son’s school canteen, they’re selling fruit for virtually nothing to get kids hooked at an early age.

“If you watch a sitcom or soap opera, you’ll notice bowls of fruit in kitchens – bananas, oranges and gleaming apples.

“You see fruit every day in paintings and wallpaper designs. All part of the campaign to make us fruit puppets.

“Actually you can get all the fruit you need from eating a packet of Starburst every day.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “If fruit was really good for you it wouldn’t make for such an unsatisfying meal.

“Yesterday I ate four pears and was still starving. Compare that to a single bag of chips which totally sets you up for the day, especially if you add mayonnaise.”

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “Dieticians are liars and hate ordinary people. That’s why they invented atom bombs and germs and won’t let you eat what you want.

“From now on I’m only listening to my stomach.”