Russia lines up more non-cute animals to die in space

FOLLOWING the deaths of geckos on its satellite, Russia is to send more unappealing species on one-way space journeys.

The Russian space agency confirmed plans to send spiders, slugs, rats and woodlice into the stratosphere, because if it was kittens or monkeys everyone would go mental.

A spokesman said: “They’ll definitely die horrendous deaths, but we’ll get some interesting data out of it and nobody at home will really be that bothered.

“We probably won’t even bother to strap them in for lift off, it’s not worth the hassle.”

Rat Tom Booker said: “If I get sent into space I plan to survive, crash-land on a planet with a breathable atmosphere, build a galactic empire then return to Earth and enslave humanity.”

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Britons demand hangover consistency

DRINKERS are furious about being unable to predict the severity of their hangovers.

Alcohol fans, especially those over the age of 30, complained of feeling the same ill effects after two pints that they would ordinarily expect from eight.

Plumber Tom Logan said: “Some week nights I can have four pints and feel vaguely alright the following day, however yesterday I had two small glasses of white wine and today I’m incapable of holding a spanner.

“Surely this level of variation is at odds with the laws of science? Or is it explained by the so-called ‘crisps theory’, where you feel less shit if you eat some crisps?”

Office worker Emma Bradford said: “Today I had no hangover until 4pm, when suddenly my eyes started to throb and I felt consumed by ennui.

“It’s like they can strike at any time. If I get smashed on Friday, might I escape the ill effects until a cold March day in 2028?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It seems that hangover severity is linked to the chaos theory rather that alcohol volume.

“If a butterfly flaps its wings in Africa, it sets off a complex causal chain that results in a pint of piss-weak Australian lager giving you a frontal lobe meltdown.”