Russia To Withdraw 400 Lap Dancers

PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin has threatened to withdraw an entire squadron of lapdancers from central London, as the diplomatic row with Moscow escalates.

Putin said: "Weak British men must pay for naughties. Cannot live without naughties. I take away fruity girls, your country weeps like child with knee injury.

"You say I am bad man. You say I make enemies go 'poof'. I say you cannot live without naked botties in face."

He added: "You make enemy of my Russian tough boys, I buy all your football teams and turn them into pig farms. I am Vladimir. You will obey."

Putin's latest move follows a 98% drop in UK levels of deadly radioactive polonium.

An embassy spokesman said the findings were 'entirely coincidental' after the expulsion of four Russian diplomats, adding: "In Russia everyone carry polonium, in Britain everyone carry crisps. What is problem?

"When chubby British tourists leave Moscow, chocolate level drops by 70%. You are fat but we do not hate you."

Meanwhile Harrods, Fortnum and Mason and a string of Bentley dealership across the South East are bracing themselves for bankruptcy if any more Russians are asked to leave the country.

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Harry Potter Saga 'All A Dream' Says Rowling

HARRY Potter author JK Rowling has revealed that the last sentence of the final volume in the seven book series will be "and then I woke up and it had all been a dream".

Writing on her website JK Rowling said she thought the final line was a really neat and clever way to finish the lengthy series, which "had got a bit far fetched, and much too wizardy".

She said: "It ties up all the loose ends in one go while also revealing the utter futility of Harry Potter’s existence. I really think it’s quite deep."

The ending to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will show Harry to be a perfectly normal teenage boy, studying at the City Academy in Gateshead, who just dreamt he was a wizard after falling asleep during a double Creationism lesson last thing on a muggy Wednesday afternoon, Rowling said.

"I considered lots of last sentences but in the end it came down to the dream one or 'they all lived happily ever after' which ran it a very close second," she added.



The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkein "He drew up a deep breath. 'Well I’m back', he said."
JK says: "What a totally shit way to end a really long work of fantasy fiction. Dull, dull , dull. This guy should have read one of mine before he fired up his word processor."

Ulysses by James Joyce "and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes."
JK says: "Is this guy on drugs? The punctuation is rubbish. Why couldn't he just pay some Indians to stick a few commas in?"

The Outsider by Albert Camus "For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate."
JK says: "That's just plain nasty, and far too French."

On the Road by Jack Kerouac "I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty."
JK says: "I think I'm going to throw up. This guy ended his life a penniless drunk, while I'm rich enough to buy Perthshire. I think that says it all."