Russia To Withdraw 400 Lap Dancers

PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin has threatened to withdraw an entire squadron of lapdancers from central London, as the diplomatic row with Moscow escalates.

"I am Vladimir. I am king of laps"

Putin said: "Weak British men must pay for naughties. Cannot live without naughties. I take away fruity girls, your country weeps like child with knee injury.

"You say I am bad man. You say I make enemies go 'poof'. I say you cannot live without naked botties in face."

He added: "You make enemy of my Russian tough boys, I buy all your football teams and turn them into pig farms. I am Vladimir. You will obey."

Putin's latest move follows a 98% drop in UK levels of deadly radioactive polonium.

An embassy spokesman said the findings were 'entirely coincidental' after the expulsion of four Russian diplomats, adding: "In Russia everyone carry polonium, in Britain everyone carry crisps. What is problem?

"When chubby British tourists leave Moscow, chocolate level drops by 70%. You are fat but we do not hate you."

Meanwhile Harrods, Fortnum and Mason and a string of Bentley dealership across the South East are bracing themselves for bankruptcy if any more Russians are asked to leave the country.