PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin has threatened to withdraw an entire squadron of lapdancers from central London, as the diplomatic row with Moscow escalates.
Putin said: "Weak British men must pay for naughties. Cannot live without naughties. I take away fruity girls, your country weeps like child with knee injury.
"You say I am bad man. You say I make enemies go 'poof'. I say you cannot live without naked botties in face."
He added: "You make enemy of my Russian tough boys, I buy all your football teams and turn them into pig farms. I am Vladimir. You will obey."
Putin's latest move follows a 98% drop in UK levels of deadly radioactive polonium.
An embassy spokesman said the findings were 'entirely coincidental' after the expulsion of four Russian diplomats, adding: "In Russia everyone carry polonium, in Britain everyone carry crisps. What is problem?
"When chubby British tourists leave Moscow, chocolate level drops by 70%. You are fat but we do not hate you."
Meanwhile Harrods, Fortnum and Mason and a string of Bentley dealership across the South East are bracing themselves for bankruptcy if any more Russians are asked to leave the country.