Russian webcam hackers fascinated by dreariness of UK lives

THE Russian hackers who broke into 500 UK webcams are transfixed by the sheer lack of event in British lives.

Victims were alerted to the security breach when heavily-accented voices from their computers marvelled that they were not even speaking to each other.

Russian hacker Timur Bobkov said: “Life in the West has been sold to us as a never-ending cycle of thrilling consumption and glittering parties.

“But on your webcam we see only man watching television, man watching television, man scratching crotch and picking nose with same hand while continuing to watch television.

“On Russian webcam we see man go berserk drinking jet fuel, six-girl orgies, gun raids of meth-cooking operations, but somehow I am unable to turn away from your empty lives.

“When you open box of Maltesers I am almost as thrilled as you are. Is pathetic.”

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Tactical voters hopelessly confused

TACTICAL voters no longer have any idea who they are meant to be voting for or who they are trying to keep out, they have admitted.

There’s no point trying to be clever about this

The rise of UKIP, the fall of the Lib Dems and the frantic oscillation of Labour and the Conservatives have made tactical voting more complicated than quantum physics.

Joseph Turner of Leeds said: “In 1997 I voted Labour to get the Tories out, in 2005 I voted Lib Dem to get Labour out, and four years ago I voted Tory to get the Tories out, which seemed to make sense at the time.

“Now I’m told that if I vote UKIP I’ll wake up in bed with Ed Miliband, if I vote Labour I’ll wake up in bed with Nigel Farage, and if I vote Lib Dem that Nick Clegg will move all his stuff in and put his name on the mortgage.

“Do they just mean in bed, or will I actually have to do it with them? And is there any way I can stop it?”

Political blogger Susan Traherne said: “UKIP’s growing power, the Greens overtaking the Lib Dems and the willingness of every party to go into coalition with every other means tactical voting is over.

“Voters are now advised simply to cast their vote for the party they would most like to see actually running the county.

“Which admittedly doesn’t make the choice any easier.”