Nigel Farage outside Downing St jiggling legs impatiently

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has begged the Government to just let him take over now because he is too excited to wait any longer.

Has already been told off for shaking it

Farage, who is currently outside the Downing Street gates asking police officers “Is it time yet? What about now?” repeatedly, is unable to keep still or properly enjoy his pint and cigarettes.

He said: “It’s driving me mad.

“I’ve already been waiting for years and years and to be told there are still 167 sleeps left until I can wake up and unwrap the new Britain is more than I can bear.

“I mean I already know what it is and I’ll enjoy it even more if I can have it now so it’s not fair that I have to wait until May.

“Please. Please. Please please please please please. Pleeeeeeeease?”

Farage then lay on his back kicking wildly at the air with his eyes tightly closed in the forlorn hope that it would cause time to pass more quickly.

The Speaker of the House said: “I feel for Nigel, but I can’t make an exception for him.

“I say exactly the same thing to George Osborne every day when he comes in with a new reason why he has to stop being the boring Chancellor and start all his lucrative consultancies.

“Until May Nigel can just play with the two MPs he’s got, even if they are second-hand.”

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Great War 'top conflict brand'

WORLD War One has been declared Britain’s most on-trend conflict thanks to its nice coats and haircuts.

Helped by its ground-breaking collaboration with supermarket chain Sainsbury’s, ‘WW1’ has leapt ahead of other brand leaders, including the American Civil War and ‘that one with Sean Bean and the women with bonnets in it’.

Advertising agency director Tom Logan said: “Twenty-five years ago, World War One was considered to be a load of posh men with moustaches pointing at muddy people.

“It lost ground to newcomers such as Vietnam with its helicopters, colourful explosions and Buffalo Springfield songs.

“WW1 refocused its efforts on promoting core aspects of the Western Front: the melancholy poetry, No Man’s Land football and the doomed homo-eroticism of pale-faced, dishy young men with their coat collars turned up sharing cigarettes in the mist.

“Historical records show that most soldiers in the trenches were hot.”