Savoury pancakes are bullshit, says Pope

THE Pope has officially proclaimed that God did not intend anyone to eat savoury pancakes. 

The papal brief, issued by the Vatican this morning, explicitly says that the consumption of tomatoes, ham, chickpeas or goat’s cheese on a pancake is a mortal sin. 

The Pope said: “Lemon and sugar, all these are holy, and golden syrup, and the syrup of the maple tree. 

“And let it be known that those who favour honey, Nutella or even blueberries if you absolutely must have committed no crime against the goodness of the Lord. 

“But the man who leavens his pancake with mushrooms, with ricotta or with broccoli is an abomination in God’s sight, and must beg His mercy or burn forever in the lake of fire.”

Catholic Mary Fisher said: “I knew everyone else was unclean and I was absolutely and indisputably right all along. 

“It’s great being a Catholic.”

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Mum asking questions on Facebook like she's never heard of Google

A MUM is using Facebook to ask questions that would be easily answered with an internet search.

Mary Fisher, 55, has been throwing out random, trivial questions on her wall, hoping that someone will have an answer for her.

Last night she asked: “What time is Midsomer Murders on?

“And what was the name of the young actor in Rising Damp and Porridge?

“Any tips for making a lasagne?”

Fisher’s daughter Sarah said: “She will ask me questions on my wall like ‘Is everything alright, Sweetheart?’ and then expect us to have a conversation that anyone could read.

“Like I’m going to say ‘No, everything’s shit. I’m behind on the rent and they are going to cut the internet off.

“So I just write ‘Yeah am fine Mum’ and then delete it off my wall soon afterwards.”