Scotland to be covered in tinfoil

SCOTLAND is to be covered by a massive tinfoil tent because of the mind reading space lasers.

As Lenin once said: “Who benefits?”

The Scottish government has ordered 32,000 square miles of foil, six million rolls of gaffer tape and 800,000 wooden poles on which the foil will sit, allowing normal life to continue underneath.

A spokesman said: “As of this morning 90,000 brave Scots had signed an online petition claiming the referendum was rigged. It would have been more than four million, but everyone else is now too scared to use a computer.

“Which would suggest that the 90,000 who did sign are actually working for MI5 and the petition is a UK government plot to make us look insane.

“But then again, maybe I’m being controlled from space by a brain laser.

“We really need to get this tent up.”

Meanwhile, the tiny country has sub-divided into yet more tribes, each labelling itself with a number representing a historic failure from Scottish history.

‘The 45’ is modelled on the disastrous Jacobite rebellion of 1745, while ‘The 78’ hopes to emulate Scotland’s success in the 1978 World Cup, including a 3-1 defeat to Peru and a 1-1 draw with Iran.

‘The 7’ are the seven people who came up with the idea of sharing the pound.


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Tena is coolest brand

INCONTINENCE specialist Tena has been vote the UK’s coolest brand.

The weak bladder experts beat Apple, Aston Martin and Alexander McQueen in the annual poll of Britain’s most aspirational companies.

A CoolBrands spokesman said: “The word Tena is synonymous with freedom – the freedom to go anywhere and do anything without pissing your pants.

“The absorbent pads are super discreet, it’s what we call ‘stealth cool’.

“Unlike iPhone addicts and people with expensive phallic cars, Tena users aren’t into showing off. They just want dry legs and you have to respect that.

“Also we love the no-nonsense logo and slick ‘droplet’ graphics to indicate the amount of urine.”