ENGLISH voters have demanded the right to sort out the French once and for all.
Opinion polls have found that English people want to be able to go to France on holiday without getting all annoyed.
By taking control of the French parliament, English voters would be able to ban travel-related strike action, weird cheese and locals who stare at British cars as if they are spaceships.
Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, said: “We have it within our grasp to build a new France, fit for middle-class English people.
“One day I would like to live in France. The weather is much better and the farmhouses are about 50p each. But everyone speaks French and I have absolutely no intention of learning it, so that will require legislation.”
Bishop added: “They all speak English anyway. They’re just being arseholes.”