England demands English votes for French laws

ENGLISH voters have demanded the right to sort out the French once and for all.

Opinion polls have found that English people want to be able to go to France on holiday without getting all annoyed.

By taking control of the French parliament, English voters would be able to ban travel-related strike action, weird cheese and locals who stare at British cars as if they are spaceships.

Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, said: “We have it within our grasp to build a new France, fit for middle-class English people.

“One day I would like to live in France. The weather is much better and the farmhouses are about 50p each. But everyone speaks French and I have absolutely no intention of learning it, so that will require legislation.”

Bishop added: “They all speak English anyway. They’re just being arseholes.”

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NASA to send silverback gorillas into space

AMERICA’S new series of space missions will be manned by silverback gorillas.

NASA has not launched a manned vehicle since 2011 and officials believe a gorilla mission is a low risk way of getting the space programme back on track.

NASA administrator Charles Bolden said: “They can be quite timid.

“But, of course, they can also be quite volatile.”

He added: “Russia has been sending geckos into space so we think we can definitely ‘one-up’ them this time.

“We think the silverbacks will be able to do more due to the fact that they have fingers and thumbs and geckos don’t.

’But this is all depends, very much, on whether we can actually get them into the spaceship.”