OKCupid profile clearly copied from LinkedIn

SINGLETON Tom Booker has filled in his online dating profile with information about his professional skills and employment history.

Education history sets her ovaries on fire

34-year-old IT worker Booker hopes to woo potential partners with a comprehensive overview of his qualifications and experience.

Booker said: “After I was made redundant from my previous relationship, my friends all told me to put myself in the marketplace.

“But it’s hard meeting women on company away days or in board meetings, so I decided to try OKCupid, to leverage my core competences in untapped personnel streams.

“I think any possible lover would be interested in the time I spearheaded a company-wide IT upgrade on time and under budget.

“Plus I have multiple endorsements for leadership, blue sky thinking, and cunnilingus.”

Joanna Kramer, a fellow OKCupid user, said: “He’s put his A-Levels on here, and his list of things he could never do without includes ‘the will to succeed in the challenging world of systems analytics’.

“I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt until he said he wanted to drill down on my swim lane all night long.”

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Van Gaal calls for an end to numbers in football

LOUIS van Gaal has claimed that football must be freed from the shackles of maths.

“It’s not about balls going between posts”

The United manager is unwilling to acknowledge the goals scored over the weekend in numerical terms.

He said: “Can a number describe the majesty of a volley? Or the sweet smell of newly mown grass? Or how much leveraged debt the club is currently in?

“The game is a beautiful, flowing work of physical poetry that shouldn’t be sullied with the base functionality of, for instance, how many million we paid to borrow an injury-prone mercenary.”

For Saturday’s game against West Ham he has proposed an interim measure of deciding the game based on which team George Best was most likely to play for if he was still alive.

The Dutchman has dismissed other number alternatives such as Arsene Wenger’s suggestion of alphabetical placings or Crystal Palace’s proposed ranking system based on how much a team sounds like a Disneyland ride.

Van Gaal’s experiment is thought to be influenced by the 1968-69 Eredivisie when a Dutch FA, led by a contingent of jazz musicians and free-form poets, awarded the title to Feyenoord for having really beautiful moustaches.