Scotland to have second referendum anyway 'because it’s full of awkward bastards'

SCOTLAND will probably have another independence referendum because of its high percentage of difficult bastards, it has emerged.

Despite the SNP losing seats to the Scottish Tories, both pro and anti-independence voters agreed that they must not pass up an opportunity to be awkward and belligerent.

Bill McKay, from Dundee, said: “I like disagreeing with people and I think life should be relentlessly angry and unpleasant.

“I’m looking forward to at least nine independence referendums, each one more ghastly and vindictive than the last.”

Meanwhile, defeated former SNP leader Alex Salmond has vowed to return as a set of haunted, floating bagpipes.

He said: “I shall become a ghostly wind instrument that will float through quaint market towns in Surrey and the Cotswolds, pumping out ‘music’ that will make people want to rip their ears off.”

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DUP deal to focus on Brexit, pensions and dinosaurs being a hoax

THE Democratic Unionist Party is ready to do a deal based on a ‘soft’ Brexit, a guarantee on state pensions and the total rejection of evolution.

As coalition talks with the Conservative Party began, DUP leader Arlene Foster stressed it was vital to focus on the key issue of why the Bible does not mention dinosaurs.

She said: “Yes Brexit, pensions, all that stuff, fine. But this dinosaur thing is absolutely central to everything.

“We know that dinosaurs are an evil hoax made up by homosexual atheists in the late 19th Century. But why do so many people still believe that these ‘gigantic lizards’ ever existed?

“According to our research the most passionate advocates for these so-called ’dinosaurs’ are gullible children, the gays and of course Roman Catholics, who will, frankly, believe in anything.

“We need to throw them all in prison.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “We are very flexible on the existence of dinosaurs.”