Scotland to have second referendum anyway ‘because it’s full of awkward bastards’

SCOTLAND will probably have another independence referendum because of its high percentage of difficult bastards, it has emerged.

Despite the SNP losing seats to the Scottish Tories, both pro and anti-independence voters agreed that they must not pass up an opportunity to be awkward and belligerent.

Bill McKay, from Dundee, said: “I like disagreeing with people and I think life should be relentlessly angry and unpleasant.

“I’m looking forward to at least nine independence referendums, each one more ghastly and vindictive than the last.”

Meanwhile, defeated former SNP leader Alex Salmond has vowed to return as a set of haunted, floating bagpipes.

He said: “I shall become a ghostly wind instrument that will float through quaint market towns in Surrey and the Cotswolds, pumping out ‘music’ that will make people want to rip their ears off.”