Selfish twat's thoughts and prayers are with petrol prices

WITH Russia launching a full-scale invasion of Ukraine, a selfish idiot has paused to think of the fuel prices.

Instead of offering his condolences to the innocent people of Ukraine as Russian troops roll across the border, self-centred dickhead Wayne Hayes has taken a moment to express his sympathies for the cost of petrol.

Looking wistfully out of the window, he said: “God, it’s so tragic. What did those fuel prices ever do to Russia? Putin’s really misjudged this one.

“Failing to recognise the existence of Ukraine is one thing, but if the cost of doing the school run gets any higher then Russia deserves the harshest condemnation from the West. If that means nukes, then so be it.

“I’ll probably pop down to the nearest petrol station later and lay some flowers out of respect. I need to fill up the tank anyway and they sell bouquets by the front door so it’s hardly an imposition. Plus I can grab a Twix at the same time.

“Then I’ll chuck a filter of Ukraine’s flag over my social media profile pictures, fire off a vague but concerned status, and instantly forget about the whole thing. It’s how we do things in this country.”

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GCSE requirement for university penalises kids who get into drunken snogging early

HAVING a minimum GCSE requirement for getting into university unfairly penalises children who discover getting shitfaced on Frosty Jack’s before the age of 16, it has been claimed.

After the government outlined plans to refuse loans to students who fail maths and English GCSEs, social mobility experts say young people who got a head start on staying out late drinking and snogging will be hit hardest.

Education expert Joanna Kramer said: “Children develop at different rates, which means that some are necking cheap cider and getting to second base on park benches while others are sitting at home revising like saddoes.

“The cool kids who f**k up their GCSEs because they were having clumsy sexual encounters and vomiting in hedges will be condemned to failure. And we need those kids to go to university, because otherwise it’s just spods playing online strategy games and weird, twee middle class girls.

“It’s not the cool kids’ fault. Many come from homes where trigonometry and glacier snouts just aren’t valued as much as being well-adjusted and happy.” 

15-year-old Jack Browne said: “Who cares? My plan is to get drunk, shag around and then get an apprenticeship as a plumber.

“I’ll be making £30,000 a year before I’m 20. Suck on that, GCSE wankers.”