Five earworms you'll have stuck in your head thanks to clicking this story

THERE are earworms so powerful that they begin playing on loop in your head simply by reading their names. Find out which: 

Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex, 1995

A cash-in to the line-dancing craze then sweeping the world that killed the line-dancing craze sweeping the world, Cotton Eye Joe is a terrifying glimpse of life in the Deep South by way of Swedes doing a Eurodance makeover. You are already hearing it. Somewhere in the deepest recesses of your hypothalamus it never stopped.

Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen, 2011

The artist involved made a valiant effort not to be a one-hit wonder. But when your song has a hook this weaponised it will inevitably be all anyone knows you and hates you for. You’re humming this song already, as is someone who just walked past, and by 4pm it will have been transmitted to 40,000 people.

Baby Shark by Pinkfong, 2016

Has been watched on YouTube more than ten billion times. There are fewer than eight billion people on Earth. Do the maths; Baby Shark is more successful than humanity. Not many songs can put ‘used to psychologically torture prisoners in an Oklahoma jail!’ on the cover. This can.

The Great Escape theme by Elmer Bernstein, 1963

Whistled by office workers trapped in a nine-to-five who dreams of forming an escape committee, doing pommel horse exercises in the staff canteen while colleagues tunnel out, and dribbling soil out of their trousers as they nonchalantly walk to and from the office printer. This will now be playing all day in your mind, even tonight as you fall asleep.

Barbie Girl by Aqua, 1997

Another Scandinavian pop horror worldwide hit, fondly remembered by a generation of adolescent boys who fancied lead singer Lene Nystrom and ignored the bit where her arm falls off. The lyrics ‘kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky’ are never forgotten once heard, and in 2048 will be the last thing that goes through your mind before you die.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How are you weird about sex?

IN our own special way each of us is a bit f**ked up about sex. In what ways are you weird about it?

You talk about it

Obviously, when it comes to sex the normal thing to do is maintain a code of silence. If you’re pushed to talk about it, clam up like an oligarch being questioned about his income stream. Chatting openly about genital fun without so much as a blush is downright freaky.

You’re confident

Thinking you’re good at sex is very weird. Why aren’t you insecure in bed, like everyone else? Being assured and asking for what you like instead of being crippled with self-doubt will leave any partner wondering what lack of traumatic experience made you this way.

You’re spontaneous

So much for being uptight and scheduling lovemaking like a normal person: on a certain day of the week, at a certain time, in a certain routine order. If you’re capable of responding to the moment and letting your animal passion take control, know that your partner is Googling ‘spontaneous sex and how to stop it’ afterwards.

You’re open to anything

Being open-minded about whatever your partner’s into, not cringing with embarrassment at the thought of hearing about their minor kinks, willing to give life to their deepest sexual fantasy, is an absolute deal-breaker. No wonder none of your exes can look you in the eye.

You’re thinking about the person you’re with

Any decent person lets their body go through the motions while they imagine shagging a celebrity, an ex or simply someone who regularly gets their train. If you’re in the moment with the person you’re shagging chasing emotional connection, that’s a massive red flag.

You’re not weird about it

When it comes to sex, there’s nothing weirder than somebody who’s not weird about it. The last thing any sexual partner can get their head around is a lover who’s comfortable in their own skin, accepting instead of awkward, communicating without judgement. What the f**k is wrong with you?