Shit-flinging gibbon to be crowned emperor

A SCREECHING, orange, shit-flinging gibbon will be crowned ruler of the free world later today. 

The ape, incapable of reasoned thought and prone to viciously attack humans, will be sworn in as US president on a Bible it could never read and will immediately attempt to eat.

Once President, the gibbon will urinate on Chief Justice Roberts, attack a female bystander and then defecate in its hands and throw it at the crowd while shrieking incoherently.

Susan Traherne, who came all the way from Nevada to see the ape, said: “At his rallies he leaps into the crowd and sexually assaults women, and boy if he does that today, wow. I hope he picks me.”

After the foaming-at-the-mouth gibbon is dragged off stage by its handlers, it will be shown into the White House and given the nuclear codes.