Should you feel sorry for Roman Abramovich? Take our quiz

ROMAN Abramovich has apparently been poisoned, but should you feel sorry for an oligarch who’s a close acquaintance of Putin? 

Are you a Chelsea fan?

A) I have a tattoo of a lion holding a staff on my left arm, John Terry in shinpads on the right and a backpiece of a ghostly Matthew Harding over Stamford Bridge which to be honest has dated a bit. So yes.
B) No.

How important is football to you?

A) The only time I have ever cried is when we got relegated in 1988. It was Britain’s darkest hour, worst than the war.
B) I tune into the World Cup if we get to the semis, even though I know we’ll lose.

What do you think of oligarchies?

A) Small groups of powerful people should not run countries. They should stay where they belong, allowing great football clubs to achieve their destinies.
B) They are very bad and like everyone else in the UK I wish I wasn’t living in one.

Poisoning: is it ever okay?

A) It’s inhuman. Especially when it happens to a man who’s brought such overwhelming joy to so many, and a couple of Ukranians.
B) No, it’s very bad. As is spending two decades making billions thanks to staying in the good books of a man who resorts to poisoning so often he could release his own signature nerve toxin called Perfidy.

Is it an attempt to interfere with the Ukranian peace process? 

A) I can’t see how. They poisoned both sides, after all, which is very even-handed. I think we should focus on the real victims in all this: Roman and the lads in The Shed.
B) I decline to answer out of a very real concern for my own personal safety.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: As a lifelong Chelsea fan with a soft spot for oligarchs, your heart bleeds for Roman Abramovich. He’s already lost the club he loves and his yacht. The poor man’s suffered enough.

Mostly Bs: You’re uninterested in football, equivocal on Ukraine, and generally sit on the fence. And it’s not hard to find people who’ve got it harder than Abramovich, so feel sorry for them instead.

The soft-as-shite bloke's guide to avoiding violence

DO you sometimes wish you could resort to violence like Will Smith? Sadly, the option’s unavailable for those not hard in any way. Here’s the reality:

Fights aren’t like in films

Film fights are designed so you can tell what’s going on. Real fights are a high-speed flurry of vicious punches and kicks, and if you lands you’re f**ked. Once you’re in a ball on the floor trying to protect your face you won’t be doing cool blocks and counters from John Wick.

You might cry

During your last fight at primary school you burst into tears. You really don’t want that as an adult. So if someone gives you grief in a pub, do nothing. Being slightly humiliated instead of totally humiliated is definitely a victory.

You don’t know how to do threats

What do you say to a co-worker you want to threaten? ‘Pack it in or I’m going to twat you’ sounds a bit juvenile. ‘Hit you’? Too clinical and nerdy. ‘Batter you’ sounds like a Northern caricature. Your threats will cause more puzzlement than fear.

Your opponent always has the element of surprise

A sudden threat can leave you paralysed. The only solution is to constantly expect violence at any second like Jason Bourne does, which will kill you from heart fatigue aged 50 and in the meantime puts a real damper on walks in the park, going on holiday or visiting farmers’ markets.

You’re crap at punching

A pretty big obstacle to fighting. It’s surprisingly easy to miss, and punching someone even slightly taller than you is knackering. If your feeble attacks are hardly doing any damage, you might just be winding your opponent up like throwing tennis balls at a bear. That won’t end well.

You can’t just go around hitting people

Employers are terrified of legal action over bullying. ‘Gavin was disrespecting me so I kneed him in the groin then went in with the head’ is up there with ‘they caught me stealing’ as the worst possible responses to ‘Why did you leave your last job?’ You’ll need a one f**k of a CV to pull that one back.

You could go too far

You may be puny, but when the red mist descends who knows what you’re capable of doing? You might break all their limbs or rip their eyeballs out. Obviously this is bollocks, but in your own mind it’s a great face-saving way of avoiding a fight.