ROMAN Abramovich has apparently been poisoned, but should you feel sorry for an oligarch who’s a close acquaintance of Putin?
Are you a Chelsea fan?
A) I have a tattoo of a lion holding a staff on my left arm, John Terry in shinpads on the right and a backpiece of a ghostly Matthew Harding over Stamford Bridge which to be honest has dated a bit. So yes.
How important is football to you?
A) The only time I have ever cried is when we got relegated in 1988. It was Britain’s darkest hour, worst than the war.
B) I tune into the World Cup if we get to the semis, even though I know we’ll lose.
What do you think of oligarchies?
A) Small groups of powerful people should not run countries. They should stay where they belong, allowing great football clubs to achieve their destinies.
B) They are very bad and like everyone else in the UK I wish I wasn’t living in one.
Poisoning: is it ever okay?
A) It’s inhuman. Especially when it happens to a man who’s brought such overwhelming joy to so many, and a couple of Ukranians.
B) No, it’s very bad. As is spending two decades making billions thanks to staying in the good books of a man who resorts to poisoning so often he could release his own signature nerve toxin called Perfidy.
Is it an attempt to interfere with the Ukranian peace process?
A) I can’t see how. They poisoned both sides, after all, which is very even-handed. I think we should focus on the real victims in all this: Roman and the lads in The Shed.
B) I decline to answer out of a very real concern for my own personal safety.
Mostly As: As a lifelong Chelsea fan with a soft spot for oligarchs, your heart bleeds for Roman Abramovich. He’s already lost the club he loves and his yacht. The poor man’s suffered enough.
Mostly Bs: You’re uninterested in football, equivocal on Ukraine, and generally sit on the fence. And it’s not hard to find people who’ve got it harder than Abramovich, so feel sorry for them instead.