WAR with shifty foreign tyrant Putin is on the way, so it’s time for all those gammons who defeated Hitler by voting Leave to enlist. Here’s six reasons to volunteer:
You can finally walk the walk
You’ve been replaying D-Day in your mind for decades, and now’s your chance to live it. Imagine the thrill of dodging real live ammo fired by trained Russian soldiers instead of watching GB News in your underpants. Make your imaginary grandad in the RAF proud.
War is fun
In the war films you adore, Jerries drop like flies after a quick burst from your Sten. All the chaps respect each other, and there’s the bonus of boning hotties like Mary Ure from Where Eagles Dare. There’s no chance war will be brief, terrifying and you’ll get your feet blown off.
You’re made of sterner stuff
You’re not technically a soldier yet, but you don’t need soft civilian luxuries like nice food, a comfy bed and the sidebar slags of Mail Online. You’d rather be in a barracks full of farting blokes or sleeping in a freezing dugout in Kharkov. This is going to rock!
Everyone’s happy in wartime
WW2 was a magical time of sing-songs and community spirit. You’d lend a neighbour your last sliver of lard and young people had discipline. Let’s go back to that. They’ll be cheering out of the windows of your new-build cul-de-sac when you return home having whipped the Russian bear.
It’ll piss off the EU
Britain’s coming to Europe’s rescue – again. So stick that up your unelected gallic arse, Michel Barnier. And when you get back to Blighty you can give all the Remoaners a white feather. It’s going to be even more fun than Poppy Day.
You were born to kill
You’ve always known that, if you’d not been written off by school, you’d be a natural in the SAS. Or the Paras. Or a Navy SEAL. So you’re hardly going to pass up the chance to be a real soldier up against brutal Russian commandos, are you? Oh, there’s a vaccine requirement and you’re a free-born Englishman so you can’t? Such a shame.