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Six pathetic British right-wingers trying to make this all about them

A CHAMPION of guns has been shot dead by a gun in the land of guns, and 4,000 miles away these British right-wing figureheads are making it all about them:

Laurence Fox

Drifting into irrelevance even faster than he’s drifting right, Fox heard the news, recognised the name and immediately realised that it could have been him, if he enjoyed any success or popularity or had the ear of the president. Undeterred by these minor differences, he waits for Newsnight to call and if they don’t they’re as bad as the killer.

Tommy Robinson

Shocked and horrified, Tommy swung into action straight away by deciding his London rally this Saturday, which had been struggling for numbers, was now a memorial event for a man he never met but who did retweet him twice in 2018. Those not attending are now disrespectful monsters who will be singled out on social media.

Rupert Lowe

The Reform-quitting member for Great Yarmouth, who spends all day peaceably sending inflammatory messages about race on social media, is in no doubt who’s responsible: everyone he doesn’t like. Largely the left-wing media, certain left-wing political parties who won landslide elections when they had no right, and anyone who’s ever criticised him.

Katie Hopkins

Filmed a memorial to Charlie Kirk while walking through a field and, in the honourable tradition of right-wing influencers, the fifth to seventh words of her moving tribute were the title of her book, on sale now. Also signs off with them. No, you don’t know the words and you’ve never heard of the book, and she’s very angry about that.

Joey Barton

The former Manchester City midfielder – before they were good – had one simple verdict on the tragedy: ‘Absolute shit bags. Woke is dead.’ To get there from here is not for intellects lesser than Barton’s. Was he saying Kirk was woke? Divining that his assassin was? Or opining that a death an ocean away for unclear motives means no pronouns?

Isabel Oakeshott

The Dubai-dwelling patriot may not know who pulled the trigger, but she’s certain that it was motivated by the media calling people far-right. Including her actually, now she thinks about it, so nobody should be labelled as anything they don’t like except her opponents. Now if you’ll excuse her, she needs to get back to tweeting about how shit Britain is.

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Robert Smith, and other artists too old for their original image

SOME artists insist on clinging to the same image they had 20 years ago or more, and the results are often distressing. Here are some who need a rethink.

Rod Stewart 

Rod’s image hasn’t changed much since he was croaking out Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? in the 70s with his mullet and unbuttoned shirt with medallion. The noted shagger clearly still likes to think of himself as a ladies’ man, albeit a settled one, but it all conflicts somewhat with his actual old person interests: model railways, complaining about potholes and saying we should ‘give Nigel Farage a chance’.

Robert Smith 

To be honest Robert always looked more like an ordinary bloke wearing lipstick and eye shadow for a laugh than a enigmatic creature of darkness. And now the back-combed hair and white foundation definitely need a rethink. Goths don’t have a problem with looking like a character from a horror film, but it’s usually a sexy vampire, not Nicolas Cage in Longlegs.

Madonna

Madonna can’t move on from her overtly sexy image of the 80s and the Gaultier fetish underwear look that served her so well in the 90s. But it’s clearly turned into a battle with the concept of ageing itself, with each ill-advised stage costume clearly designed to prove she’s pretty hot for a 67-year-old. You are, Madonna, really you are. Now can you go clothes shopping at M&S?

Liam Gallagher

The reunion showed that Liam still loves the old terrace fashion anoraks and parkas he wore in the 90s. Unfortunately the look is less ‘cool dad’ and more ‘won’t f**king grow up’. His poor children must have spent their childhoods squirming with embarrassment as Liam said things like ‘Fancy ‘avin it large at the zoo?’, possibly later followed by threats to fight a monkey.

Chris Martin

Chris invariably wears garish bespoke trainers the makers are happy to provide and jackets with some similar quirk like being covered in graffiti or military-style stripes. It all smacks of a lame middle-aged attempt to not be square without doing anything too radical. He could save himself a lot of trouble by just getting some hilarious Wallace & Gromit socks like other 48-year-old blokes. 

Axl Rose

Axl’s original late 80s style requires the right body shape. Skintight leather trousers favour the younger man, and his bandana requires a certain lean, menacing, feral look to pull off. He’s somewhat ‘chunkier’ these days, and it’s hard to see him as an edgy urban outlaw when he looks like a character in a CBBC spin-off called The Rock Tellytubbies.

The Rolling Stones

Mick Jagger (82) is still prancing around in the lurid blouson jackets he discovered in the 80s, Keith Richards (81) is still some sort of rock’n’roll pirate, and Ronnie Wood (78) looks like he got confused and put on his grandson’s skinny jeans by mistake, and it all just highlights how genuinely old they are. Audiences want to hear the classics, not experience the same sense of dread as when their 80-year-old grandad says he’s ‘just taking the car for a spin’.

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