SNP fury as new Scottish £5 note fails to support independence

SCOTTISH Nationalists have reacted with fury to a new bank note design that does not demand independence.

The new Royal Bank of Scotland £5 note features a picture of some writer instead of popular quotes from Scottish literature such as ‘freedom from English oppression’ and ‘vote SNP’.

Nationalist Bill McKay said: “We Scots want to be reminded of our oppression whenever we buy something from a shop.

“It is woven into the very fabric of our being from an ancient time when golden, musical mists covered this sacred, magical land and a man was free to be unbelievably Scottish 24 hours a day.”

A spokesman for Scotland’s first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, added: “If you use the ancient Scotto-Japanese art of origami you can fold the note in such a way that it reads, ‘England is a toilet full of racists’.

“That’s a reasonable compromise.”

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Woman 'doesn't get' football due to not getting absurdly angry about it

A WOMAN has been accused of ‘not getting’ football because she does not become a raging maniac when her team loses.

Emma Bradford, an Everton fan, was accused by her brother-in-law, Stephen Malley, of being a ‘part timer’ when she refused to become psychotically angry after the club’s FA Cup semi final defeat to Manchester United.

Malley said: “I threw the television into the garden, but she said she just felt disappointed for a couple of minutes and then carried on with her day.

“Women just do not get it.”

He added: “She just feels sad for all the other fans and slightly disappointed in the effort that was shown by the team. Just once I’d like her to destroy a microwave with a hammer.”

Bradford said: “I don’t actually like football. I just do it to annoy him because he’s a petty, angry little man.”